THE BACHELOR S20E08: BrainWarshed

well gang, we’re in the home stretch. or like, really close to the home stretch. we’re somewhere closer to the end than before. i’m a very good writer. here we go.

before ben meets teen amomda on the beach…in…laguna beach…we have to get a few quick shots of him in literally the tightest pants i’ve ever seen that aren’t leggings. maybe they help restrict his blood flow so that it’s all kept from little ben to big ben (don’t.) so he can do some real deep thinking during his pensive gazes across the specific ocean. things like, “we started with 28…and now there’s just four!” or “i’m so excited!”

speaking of excited, here comes amomda in the worst choice of top imaginable. picture taking that strapless bra you know doesn’t fit you, then hanging a throw blanket from it. and running. see the problem? well, amanda didn’t see it. sadly, neither did we, if you get my meaning. nice one. anyway, speaking of excited, they are both “so excited” and it’s all they talk about, if you don’t count the parts where she says she’s nervous.

in case you’d forgotten, she hasn’t introduced anyone to her kids yet (which is a lie) but it’s because she wants someone who, even though they aren’t their kid, they love them like they are. quick recap: give your whole self to something you’ll never fully have. wonder why that’s hard to find, hmm?

when they show up, she runs over (bad idea) and combo cries/hugs/holds her top up to greet them, which makes ben cry as he watches from afar. unclear if he’s upset he didn’t see any nip or what. then, about 3.1 seconds into hugging, the oldest asks where ben is. remember that part about not introducing anyone to her kids, or getting kids involved if it’s not serious? ben comes over and introduces himself, and they give him the silent treatment for a bit until he wants to play in the sand and chase them around a bit. dressed in matching gladiator sandals and sunday church attire, the largest child is very cute, but the smallest one is overwhelmed and thus does nothing. ben’s intuition and natural ability to connect with children leads him to believe that he should then just pick her up and hold her. “here child, i see you’re super nervous and frightened of me, a stranger, so let me grasp you against my giant body and separate you from the safety of your mother to where you cannot escape me. you will like me then, for certain!” either way, because getting kids to like you is super easy, they chase some seagulls and play on the beach for a bit and obviously that makes ben ok in their eyes, and amanda falls instantly into deep, dark love.

going to meet her family, we were lead to believe that this would be a meltdown of epic proportions and that ben would freak out, but really it’s just “i’m like 18 months old and had to skip my nap so i’m ultra tired and now i’m crying in the car” so it’s basically a whatever.  unsure if ben knows this is what it is, but he seems to just pass it off. he’s probably just excited to get inside and give them the fun hot air balloon lantern he brought them as a gift…?

the family’s first impressions are that ben seems like he’d be a great dad, but they’re unsure if he’s ready to be an instant dad, which is a very fair point.  mom flat out asks him if he’s ready for that, and he says his first thought was “ok!” and he was surprised at that, because, obviously all reason points to “lol nope.” shockingly, mom doesn’t really buy it. she tells amanda that basically she likes ben, but she thinks it’s too soon for that level of commitment, and to be cautious. finally, a sane person on the show.

dad now gets some time with ben, and asks ben what he thinks the future looks like with amanda. ben says that he knows amanda is looking for a father for her kids, and ben wants that, and he had a fun time on the beach, they seem like great kids, so he’s all good. dad is like, yeah so about that, it’s like very much not all fun. ben responds with reassuring him that he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t think it was real. dad clearly doesn’t buy it either, but is basically like whatever.

remember that part about not getting kids involved if it’s not serious? wellllllll, ben finishes up the day by heading upstairs to sit down and read a “once upon a time” bedtime story to the girls about him and their mom. #yikes. as he leaves without so much as a little flash, you tease, amanda tells us that she is totally in love, and she would be crushed and heartbroken if she were sent home this week. #doubleyikes. #thunderclapsinthedistance.

—

lauren, the flight attendant for alaska airlines from marina del ray, california, brings him to portland, oregon. clear? kewl. their first giggly stop is the ‘keep portland weird’ graffiti where ben laughs way too hard, which is to say, at all, but he gets some real belly into it, and everyone at home is all

her second stop on their hipster tour of five-years-ago-hipsterville is going to the place where all the food trucks park, i.e. skid row. WHERE IS MY PEABODY. her plan is to try a bunch of different stuff from there, and as much as i hate this, i’m obviously jealous because food is bae. along with lace and carly (who is now single, jussayin). upon their sampling of what appears to be a naan bread with a fried egg, cheese, and melted butter, ben remarks, “i don’t know if i could picture a better way to die than standing next to you,” which is just really a very normal thing any human would say if you just don’t think about it at all. she is really getting all of his A-1 game. i say this knowing full well i do way worse. whatever shut up. rounding out internet-culture-the-city: the date, they head to a whiskey library, which…like, do you check out the whiskeys and then have to return them when you’re finished? lauren comments of ben: “i could sit in a room and not say a word and feel more content than with anything i’ve ever done in my entire life.” well, knowing that explains why she enjoys his company and his dates, since that’s about the level of excitement they provide. as they leave, she’s nervous for him to meet the family, and in a very ominous way.

when we see her family at dinner, they all seem sweet but VERY close. obviously the dad is the patriarch, and i get the uber christian vibe. you know the type. what dad says goes, when he speaks everyone listens, etc. ben is going to have a hard time cracking into this one, and dad is going to have a really hard time letting go. getting to the one-on-one convos, first off, real talk lauren’s sister is a lot hotter in this episode than she is, so there’s that. no don’t look at pics i made that mistake just trust me. she gets right to it and asks ben like so basically my sister is perfection so why are you deserving, and ben responds with, “there’s something about your sister that i can’t put words to. i feel really lucky,” and then he STARTS CRYING. look man, i’ve felt those feelings. i know what you want to say, and how emotionally revealing it is to come face-to-face with them and to grips with how real they are, and that’s very overwhelming. i get it. the difference is that, you know, i wasn’t dating other women and falling for them at the same time when i did. there’s a purity in the honesty of it, and that’s what makes you feel that way. there’s a difference between getting choked up at the gravity of your feelings for someone, and crying out of emotional immaturity for not knowing how to handle your feelings. take a wild guess which one ben is.

when the sister gets to sit down with lauren, she cautions that lauren “hasn’t been single that long,” and that her last relationship was less than a year ago. lauren reassures her that these are “different feelings than ever before,” and that “ben is my person.” ugh.

now the dad gets to big dick ben, and rather than learning about ben in a productive manner, starts off by challenging him to prove to him how lauren is different than the other girls. sadly for ben, he is not exactly great with “thinking on his feet,” or “thinking at all,” or “words in general,” so the best he can do is say, “when i met her, the world stopped.” obviously not good enough for the dad, he retorts by comparing his achievements to ben’s (read: negating ben further) by saying that he dated his wife for many years before marriage, so they knew who the other person was, all while knowing full well that there’s not a valid answer to that with which ben can defend himself. reminding him once more how little he thinks of this process, pappy asks ben to tell him how he’s dealing with the other fathers. all ben can say is, “not well,” which is really just what pops wanted to hear. you know, he just doesn’t want “baby lolo” hurt. ultimately, because her whole family has controlled her, she doesn’t tell him she’s in love with him because she’s afraid.

—

next up, ben heads to hudson, ohio to meet caila. he remarks that this is the deepest relationship he has (sorry, other girls he supposedly loves), and she challenges him because she’s real. he does not cry when he says this, so he is either lying or doesn’t know what he’s talking about. three guesses as to which it is; first two don’t count. first up on her date, she takes him to her high school, so ben’s already creaming his jeans. after she wastes two hours of the entire crew’s time for three minutes of sitting on a bench making out, she reveals that her dad is the CEO of step2, so they’re going to design their own kid’s playhouse and then get to build it in the factory. real talk, she wins this week because they actually get to do something awesome and unique. obviously we know that ben won’t feel this way, though, because the other three dates are going to the beach, sitting down talking, and sitting down talking, which are his three favorite date activities. he does suffer through an actual activity, though, so props to him. sidebar: they really could have thrown in a five-minute how it’s made episode on these houses if they wanted. i wouldn’t have minded at all.

so now we finally meet her dad, who presents himself in a sensible blue shirt, mustard yellow pants, a black hermes belt, and a combo boardwalk empire/barrister’s wig of a hairstyle.

redeeming factor: real nice limited edition AP (albeit a douchey model) on his wrist.

at dinner, we get a first taste of his personality, and he quickly reveals that he talks (read: shouts) like a short guy. his dead, soulless eyes have nothing behind them other than thoughts of his dungeon. they ask ben what stands out about caila to him, and he says that she is “joyful, cute, bubbly, and she asks me questions,” which, in reality, are all different ways of calling her a moron, ben. he follows up this list of ‘praises’ by saying that “well she told me that she doesn’t think she can love me.” off to a great start, pal. they try to reassure him that oh it’s ok, she just has high standards and she hasn’t met someone who can meet them yet. OUCH.  meanwhile, caila tells dad that she knows this is it, and he is freaked out by that. then with her mommy (she still calls her mommy), she laments that “it’s hard to watch other people fall in love with the one you’re falling in love with.” ultimately, however, she doesn’t tell ben that she’s in love with him either. seeing a pattern?

—

last up, we head to dallas to see jojo. she walks up to [presumably] her front door to find two dozen red roses (anyone who buys roses is a fuckwit. a billion other flowers in the world. have some character; show some effort) on her porch along with a love note.  she sits down, giddy as can be, begins to read aloud and gets halfway through before finding out it’s not from ben, but her ex chad. “i don’t want to read this, i don’t want to go back there, i was so excited about today!” she exclaims before breaking down. it’s true that she heartbroken after last relationship. what she doesn’t tell us, however, is that this relationship with chad (who is 39 and a big real estate guy in dallas) was broken off by him, and if not after her application to be on the show, almost coinciding…and that he is presently watching her dog for her while she’s on the show. so, you know, it’s not as if oh she’s moved on and this is someone from the past, as she will now go on to say, but more like “i did this to move on from him but he’s still very much involved in my life.”

sitting down, she calls chad, who says he’s gone through so much, and it’s taken this time to figure out what he wants, which is her. she says she begged him to stay to no avail, but he says he now knows what love is and doesn’t want to lose her. “i care about you so much,” he says. “oh, but not when we were together,” she quips. “if you’re done with me, tell me right now,” he says. quick reminder that this man is almost 40. we don’t hear what she tells him because ben conveniently shows up to her crying, leaving him confused. she lays the whole situation out, and ben does not look pleased. she says that she called chad and told him she was happy now, there’s no going back, and reassures ben that her feelings are not elswehere.  ben is supportive but you can tell he is uncomfortable with it. either way they move on from it and off they go to meet ‘potentially his future in-laws.’ (you’re welcome for grazing over all of that).

arriving at the most texas house you’ve ever seen (giant white columns on nearly everything, red dining room with giant drapes, randomly-themed and overly-detailed stuff inappropriately placed absolutely everywhere, all against stark neutral walls), we meet her dad who looks like a fat BTK killer, her mom  who looks like a burn victim with how much work she’s had done, and her two older brothers. they are all very close, but particularly so are the brothers, since they saw how her last relationship went, and they very much don’t trust ben or this process. they make their primary goal known very clearly: is she gonna get hurt, or end up happy. ben tries to alleviate their concerns by saying that “there’s still a lot of time. at this point i don’t know, but we’ll have some good conversations coming up, and we’re in a good place.” he concludes in saying their connection is more real than he could have expected.

the brothers get some alone time with jojo, and are very aggressive real with her: you’re “in love” with someone who you’ve been on two dates with, and they want her to stay guarded. they’re also concerned because they see her talking him up as a god among men, and they want her to realize that she’s on his level. they just don’t think he’s as emotionally invested as she is, which is astute of them, since ben is, in fact, dating four people, while she’s only dating one.

in her conversation with her mom, jojo says she’s falling in love, and she’s so scared because she doesn’t want to get hurt. mom tells her suck it up and go for it, so i like her style. speaking on her style perfectly transitions into my absolute favorite thing to happen this season: while the brothers confront ben in the kitchen (coming up shortly), the mom (against the dad’s firm suggestion to control herself, as you can see) decides she’s had enough pussy-footing around, and she’s just gonna get after it.

as the brothers call ben out on “brainwashing [the girls] too much,” they’re a bit dickish/combative about it but very honest in letting him know that it’s not lost on them how he’s put in a position where all of these girls are psychologically driven to win his affection (which is 100% the case, and why all of these girls fail to operate under any form of logic or reason), and they’re worried about seeing their sister crazy about him like she is after so little time with him. his best and flustered response is, “i care a lot about her and i don’t want to hurt her.” the brothers think he’s maybe been coached on his politician’s answers; it’s too surface level a response for them to accept. ben (justifiably) gets a little bit defensive and pissed off about it, but sadly doesn’t have the wherewithal to defend himself against this kind of attack. the dad tries to step in and says he thinks ben has been honest about everything. ben tries to reaffirm what he’s said before, in that the only way he can prove things is by actions, not by words, and leaves in a bit of a state.

the biggest issue is that the brothers just don’t understand that ben can’t get as real as they’d like him to, because he doesn’t get that real with himself. the answers sound really surface level because that’s all the deeper he goes. yes, they were doing this really obnoxious good cop/bad cop routine, with one leaning against the fridge staring while the other tries to get a rise out of ben, but if he really could have thought for a second and delivered his same message in a little bit more of a heartfelt way that first validated their concerns about the nature of the process, then ending with something like ‘as much as the nature of the show is to wind up on one knee and proposing to someone, no one is saying that’s what i have to do, and i won’t do it if i don’t believe it in my heart and with the best intentions of which i’m capable that it’s honest and right. now, say that all goes down…after that, the show is over. then it’s just me and her, living a real life, and figuring things out in a real environment, and on a real timeline. no one is saying that we couldn’t be engaged for years before getting married, but getting through this process is the first step in any of that, and all i can do is prove through my actions that i’m doing everything to the best of my ability, and i hope that’s all you’d ask of me.’ it would have appeased them. he’s not wrong in that only time will prove anything he says, but he needs to show that he gets where they’re coming from before trying to tell them that. i think that’s called empathy. i’m still not finished reading about it, so i have yet to try it out for myself, but i think that’s it.

—

ohhhkayyyy jojo looks pretty hot at the rose ceremony. i mean her hair is still gross, but i’m not really looking at that, nahmeen <self five>. checking in on the girls: everyone is scared and terrified and nervous and worried and when can i stop writing any of those words forever. we really don’t waste any time, so getting the first rose is are lauren (shocker), followed by caila, which leaves only teen amomda and jojo remaining.

and jojo takes it. amomda is not happy.  as they walk out, she wishes he would have told her back on their date then. he says that it took finding other women’s connections were stronger before he knew, which is like salt in the wound, buddy.  “no i liked you a lot until i liked a bunch of other people more because you’re not as good as them.” in the limo, she talks about how she wishes they could have “completed their family,” so really man, i hope ben just saw that she was as much in it for that as she was for him, and that’s the concern and reason for leaving.  not sure which would have been worse to tell her.  either way, ben cries about it. again. a lot.

next week, in jamaica helovestwowomenanditseemsveryangstyokbyeeee!

a

THE BACHELOR S20E07: Warsaw? More Like “We’reScared”

so basically i was all kinds of pumped to see the open bar shit show of a reception at the #janner wedding, but instead was only given about five minutes at the end of really nothing happening.  there was so much potential here, folks.  however, since i’m a slaaaaave 4 u, here are the highlights:

· michelle money and clare hung out as the self-proclaimed single cougars on the prowl. NOTHING RESULTED FROM THIS GOLDMINE OF A SETUP. <anger emoji>
· ashley tries to get literally any part of jared inside of her (blatantly tells the camera this) but fails; cries.
· ashley s is 7 months pregny, so she left paradise and was immediately inseminated by her ex-boyfriend. something about dodging a bullet or whatever.
· carly sang and i wanted it to be good but it was not.
· jade and tanner are super cute and had CH officiate which is #LIFETIMEGOALS and gahd love those twoh kyids.

that’s it.  ok, now on to ben’s “incredible” hometown of warsaw.  has he mentioned before that he’s from warsaw, which is a small town? how about that it’s where he went to middle school? high school? elementary school? the more i get to see of him, the more i understand why he’s single.

to welcome him home are his parents in a diner with “NO we don’t have wifi. TALK to each other!” written on a chalkboard held by a wood-carved chef from hobby lobby so already i want to punch everything in the face. but also punch my own face with their inevitably delicious eggs over easy with hash, bacon, and rye toast because you just know it’s good. on those preposterously thick plates with the brown or blue stripe around the edge. except then you have to sit there with some girl who forces out dredge about how much she loves the kitsch of it all, what with the different mugs (some of which are chipped) and all through her bullshit chocolate-peanut-butter-stuffed-pancake-that-is-just-eating-like-4-brownies-and-calling-it-breakfast stuffed mouth. i’m super fun, you guys. boyfriend material.

anyway really nothing is established except that the parents are excited ben is falling in love. no breakfast food is served.

the girls all show up wearing a combination of at least three of the following items: asymmetric jacket, over-sized cardigan, superfluous flannel tied around the waist (yes, with a jacket. because you know, had to take the shirt off, but it’s too cold not to wear the jacket. makes total sense.), ripped skinny jeans (but warm enough to wear perforated pants), ankle boots. they have a totally spontaneous leaf fight while walking through a yard until getting to the lake where ben’s parents live, where ben is waiting for them in a 20-year-old sanpan pontoon. he then taxis them to their house for the week, which turns out to be just a couple doors down from his parents (where you KNOW he’s staying), where he chooses to warn the girls not to snoop in the windows because his parents might be boning. you know, as if that’s a totally normal thing to bring up unprovoked or ever.

leading to the first one-on-one we get lots of shots of lauren (thank god i don’t have to specify which lauren it is anymore…and it only took until week 7!) who seems to be jubilee-ing with her attitude to ben. clearly him bringing up the shade leah threw her way last week did not go well, so now she’s all snooty. like, not helping your case, bro. also, ben, you should be picking up on this, and realizing that if this is all it takes to put her in a several-days-long-and-multi-locale-mood, you’re gonna be in for a long relationship. despite her pouting, she gets the first date because she’s the favorite. the girls are not real happy, especially jojo, who, more importantly, is wearing a shirt that literally just says ‘mermaid,’ so she is exactly as terminally basic as we’ve always suspected.

for his date with lauren, the producers rented a vintage red chevy for him to drive, and the first place he brings her is his middle school.

then his high school.

then his church.

i seriously can’t deal with ben’s lameness and predictability. he then tells us the story of his first kiss where he was all, “i want to kiss you now, but i dont know how” and the girl laughed at him but now that he tries it again it’s cute and like, i’ve definitely done this, so now i need to do some soul searching for a minute.

next on this wall-paper-paste tour of ben’s personality, they go to a youth center, where he worked for a couple years (read: where he volunteered after moving back home after college because he couldn’t find a job). he credits this as yet another place who shaped who he is and developed his life-long passion for helping kids, which is really very sweet. except then he had to quit and move to denver after he realized his other greater passion of selling software.

inside, his old boss pits ben against “the halfcourt king” in a shoot-out to make him put his tongue in a girl’s mouth in front of cheering children. spoiler alert: the kid makes it so he sucks face for a bit, but to be fair this kid is a machine, so this could have been legit. after, in walk george hill and paul george from the pacers, since one of ben’s schticks is bringing in a pair of famous black men to add excitement to his dates. lauren says that she’s “star struck” because she’s “a big basketball fan” (uh huh.) and they do some drills or whatever i don’t know. this is one of those dates that would be pretty fun to be on (even though it’s not really a date mostly just playing basketball with children) but is very boring to watch.  thankfully, we get to see a little bit of ben being super good with kids: there’s a kid crying against the wall, so ben comes over and says, “you know what you look like? you look like a kid who needs to have fun today. can you do that for me?” so, to sum up, ‘ben being good with kids’ means instructing them that whatever they feel is invalid and what to do instead.

the evening part of the date begins with a quick stop in “his rented apartment” (i.e. the model unit in a condo building that management said they could use for a couple hours to make it not look like ben’s staying with his mom and dad) where lauren immediately launches into the leah hate and how she’s upset about it, which is a really great tone-setter. ben pretty much says so listen if you’re not into it i need to know, and lauren is like yeah i don’t know how to defend the allegations, but i can be myself around you and someone challenging me made me freak out, you know, like a secure, confident person would. ben says don’t worry i still wanna nail you so you’re good at least until fantasy suites. she says he makes her “so happy” as if that’s enough for anyone.

now’s the part where i recall to your attention the last sentence of the first [real] paragraph of this season, where i say, “all we were missing was going to the dive bar to see his pals, the colorful locals.” turns out i’m always right i don’t know why you people keep questioning me they had to save that footage for this week, because now’s when he brings her to the bar to lube her up a bit for a few drinks among the company of some random mid-30s couples who were willing to get a sitter for a couple hours in exchange for being on tv. she doesn’t tell him, but says she’s in love with him to us. finally, they bring their matching black leather jackets and medium wash jeans to the rooftop to make out and get a semi.

the next morning, the girls are discussing the upcoming date card, and professor becca lets us know that she “100% prefers a one-on-one over a group date.” however, jojo gets the “let’s find love in the windy city” date card, so they’re taking a day trip to chi-city because they must have run out of things to do in warsaw. what, couldn’t go back to his high school and visit his teachers, like he always does?

once in chicago, they get to hang out in an empty wrigley, which is actually really cool. i’m not sure she fully appreciates the magnitude of it, but redemptively, ben does. basically they do some rookie of the year scenes on the field and we watch her run with her arms for a bit

until it starts to rain, where they find refuge in the scoreboard (btw, real conversation that happened: j:”what is this?!” b:”this is the scoreboard.”). they talk about feelings or whatever but the real take away is that it seems like all he ever does is reassure the girls once they tell him they’re afraid. why is everyone scared and nervous with you? and why is your outfit made of a few different carpets? these are the real questions.

after the break, the scoreboard at wrigley displays “ben + jojo” and i just have to take a second to say ben, can you really spend the rest of your life with an adult woman named jojo? resuming their talk over dinner on the field, ben is like so why are you weird, and she’s like i’m trying. you see, jojo, the thing about trying is that you see progress, and people don’t question that. trying isn’t the same thing as “having more fun in the parts you like, hoping that makes up for the parts you avoid because you’re scared.” ben tells her he questions her feelings for him, and oh surprise, she is hesitant because she’s been hurt in the past. seriously, who thinks this is a unique experience once they’re older than like 22? everyone had a shitty time; it’s called adolescence. being an adult is sucking it up and making your past just that, knowing that the future is only what you make of it. seizing the opportunities put before you and all of that. god even i’m disgusted with myself for those couple sentences. thankfully, because he has the mental capacity of a grapefruit, this is enough of an explanation for ben, and now that he’s said it “all makes sense,” her “heart is ready” because he asked her to stick around. …i’m basically at the point where i’m choosing not to even think of them as real people, because it’s the only way i can accept this kind of logic and result.

back at the house, prof. bec. tells the girls that she “used to be excited when other people went on one-on-ones, but now she’s like, oh shoot.” well, the group date card calls out caila, teen amomda, and becca (oh shoot), which means emily finally gets her 1:1, causing her to actually cry.

on the way to the date, probecca says that “[her] goal is to not let the other two girls ruin this date,” so she’s got a really healthy attitude from the get-go. in true ben fashion, they go to some farm and ben has planned another banger of a group date wherein he splits the girls up into two row boats: one with two of the girls (specifically amanda and becca, who just talk shit the whole time, so, good plan), and one with him and the only one who saw the writing on the wall and hung back until the other two shot themselves in the foot by picking their boat first. ben at one point calls out “you know, this is a group date!” so it’s all going super well. once they’ve successfully circumnavigated this farm’s detention pond, they fly some kites for 10 minutes before going into a barn to sit and talk. how are these girls still sticking around for this? he is literally the worst dater ever. it is so clear that he’s only ever been good looking, so he hasn’t had to ever do anything on his dates and they’re still engaged. waiting for them in the barn is a single rose, whose recipient gets to go to the night portion of the date, with the other two girls heading back to the house.

he and amanda go away first to sit on a bale of hay next to a tractor and talk.  ben opens with, “so how excited are you to see your kids next week,” which is pretty ominous. yes, i realize that rose or not she’ll be going home, but still. she responds with, well what do you know, she’s so scared. first, she explains that she’s never introduced anyone she’s dated to her children, so she’s scared about doing that with ben. maybe she’s forgotten about that part in the beginning of the season where she made her children call a framed picture of him ‘prince ben.’ but she’s so scared, you guys, which means she’s a great mom. then, she wraps up her self-aggrandizing by spitting his own line back at him: “why would someone like you be interested in me?” like, how stupid does she think he is? very and enough, it seems, are the answers, because she correctly hedges her bets and he tells her she’s incredible and she feigns a humble ‘oh thank you.’

next to the plate (omg like the baseball date before you guys) is becca, who gets to go sit on a bench next to some bales of hay.  her opening tactic is to start scolding him for not giving her enough, and she’s scared because she isn’t getting her feelings returned back to her. “just don’t blindside me,” she pleads. becca, this is your third try on this show. you know this game. why are you shooting yourself in the foot here with your ultimatum talk? if you want him to give you more, why don’t you put yourself out there and take some from him? don’t expect him to do all the work in being as vulnerable as he can be, spilling his guts to you and giving himself to you completely while you hide behind your reservations until you’re ready. you need to be willing to lose everything in order to gain anything. you get out of it what you put into it. how many other trite quotes can i throw at this? live laugh love. this family does mistakes, says sorry, does second chances, does hugs, does fun, does respect, does LOVE. um… BISTRO.  LAUNDRY.

last up is caila, who is scared because she sees that he has a real connection and passion with his hometown roots, while she moved 17 times before college and doesn’t have strong roots like that, so she doesn’t feel that it’d be enough for him. he’s like well, could you do the hometown deal, and she says she’s adaptable so she could move or not but really means that she wants that rose bad enough to just be like “yeah whatever you want to hear we’ll talk about that whenever we have to.”

at the end of this gripping date, teen amomda is awarded the rose. at this point, ben says, “so ladies, i’m sorry but amanda and i have a date to continue so, [to amanda] care to join me?” and they walk out, leaving the other two in the barn. he is legit a total prick with breakups.  becca then starts crying, wondering “what more did i need to do?” well, you know, see above, but ‘anything’ sums it up pretty well.

on the night date, ben brings amanda to “do things that are normal to [him], so [he’s] going to take you to mcdonald’s.” like, i’m sorry. i figured the lit-up golden arches in wrigley was about as blatant as the advertising was going to get, but this is legitimately just a five-minute commercial. the cheerful cashier greets them with a friendly “would you like breakfast or dinner,” and ben orders breakfast to re-establish their all day breakfast menu.  then, in the most hilarious subtext of the episode, the young, freshly-divorced single mother of two and her new boyfriend work the drive-thru at mcdonald’s. because ben wanted to do things that were normal. after earning their 15$ an hour, they lady and the tramp a french fry and she stresses again that she hasn’t introduced anyone to the kids yet. ben/everyone doesn’t care.  he then brings her on “a real date” by which he means he stole yet another chris soules date in bringing her to a surprise street carnival. thankfully, the crying kid from earlier is there to welcome him, along with the mayor and the rest of the town. a thousand bucks says they go on a ferris wheel and make out when it stops at the top. in between ben whimpering his way through a few rides, she’s tells him that she is so close to falling in love but she’s scared. oh, and you owe me a thousand dollars.

(the first commercial at the break is for mcdonalds.)

the final date is with emily, who caila thinks is “a bright-eyed puppy, but still has so much to learn.” like what? how to fall in love with someone you’ve never met on tv and then blow it? ben shows up on the boat wearing literally what i wore as a joke as part of a halloween costume to bring emily across the lake to his parents’ place because of course. like i’m honestly just so defeated every time i have to write anything about him.

once at his parents’, ben brings her to his room because she brought him to hers. guaranteed he showed her all his high school trophies/medals that are definitely still there and displayed. eventually his parents join and emily lets us know that she gets weird and anxious, but she really likes the ducks. she and his mom go away and she is just rapid-fire talking about absolutely nothing, so it’s pretty clear she’s outrageously nervous. she spews out that she wants to be an nfl cheerleader, to be married young, and have kids young. “i’ve been so average at everything in life, but i will be an above average mom.” aim high, girl. this is quite a lot of crazy talk information for his mom to absorb, but she uses some class in her sum-up: “she’s fun, she’s young, she’s excited, but she’s a little young for ben right now.” in her time with his dad, she says that she “would love to watch movies all day,” and that she “doesn’t like vegetables.” basically then his dad tells ben, yeah so she’s got a stellar ass (but not as good as some) but is in fact a child. ben then sits with his mom, who very subtly drops a “do you think emily has matured enough?” eventually, she starts crying when she’s talking about being scared thinking about what’s gonna happen when life gets hard if ben picks her, so emily is definitely donezo. BEN. WHY DO YOU SCARE EVERYONE. YOU ARE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR HERE.

ben, being the class act he is, brings her all the way back to her dock, brings her off the boat, sits her down on the bench on the dock which is facing the house (which, sidebar, the producers definitely turned around from facing out to the lake so that it faces the house because they’re sadists) and waits long enough for the rest of the girls to gather at the window and stare at them before telling her he “doesn’t see [her] as his wife” and sending her home right there. he does give her two ‘incredibles’ though, so. he stands there as she walks back in, then once she’s inside he has a little drive on the boat to reflect pensively (read: he’s gonna go home and talk with mom and dad over a glass of warm milk and some everybody loves raymond reruns). she holds it together really well in front of him, breaks down inside, then pulls it back together in the car, and ends up showing the most maturity of anyone on this show, including ben. so long, yung twin; you were growing on us, and we’ll miss you.

at the rose ceremony, ben seems to be having issues choosing, so he calls on wise old CH for some sage wisdom.  chris asks if he could see every one of them as his wife, and ben is like well i’d put it to all except for one of them, and that one is becca. as soon as the deed is done, incrediben has such a hard time even looking at her, because she is piiiiisssed: he asks to walk her out, and she won’t even hold his hand. she asked him not to blindside her, and he tries to defend his position by saying he wasn’t sure even just a moment ago but didn’t want to get families involved if it wasn’t there. she has a nice little breakdwon in the car oddly reminiscent of ben’s departure from kaitlyn in ireland. “why would i keep putting myself in this position…i want someone who loves me back…i don’t want to be alone…” she is bachelorette, guaranteed.  you heard it here first, folks. #fourthtimesacharm #gettindickedinthefantasysuites

thankfully, the silver lining in this whole snoozefest of an episode was the teaser for next week: ben’s face in the car with teen amomda’s crying kids. caila’s dad’s dead, hollow, soulless eyes:
jojo’s brother yelling at ben for “brainwashing these girls.” this could be so good, please don’t let me down, please don’t let me down, please don’t let me down…

also, just for a special treat, and because i luh u, please enjoy this small parting gift:

a

BUST A RECAP: WEEK 6

so look…like only two people even did a recap this week, and they were all boring, so i’m just not even going to bother. we all know mine was best, so who needs to prove it? this segment may be on its way out.  we shall see.

y’all have one heck of a balumtimes.  see you monday.

xoxo a

The Bachelor S20E06: Hog Wild & Liv-in’ Free

i’ll tell you what, for what was supposed to be a sweet destination week with the CLIMAX OF CRAZY for this season, this episode was SO. BORING. i was in other rooms, on my phone, reading posts about hot dogs… listen. if you’re going to get a lame-ass bachelor, you need to get one that has malleability and a sense of greater good, entertainment-wise.  i realize he’s been a team player until this point, but the producers need to stress to this kid that he’s the face of a business, where the commodity is my personal enjoyment. there should be a banner in his room in each location for him to see every morning when he wakes up that just says: LESS eHARMONY; MORE TINDER. but, you know, like as a wood carving or word art from etsy, so he would like it. maybe one of those light-bulb letter things that are the flavor of the moment. oo yeah, because that’d keep him awake at night, and the sleep deprivation would just drive him further and further insane as the season progressed…

…what was i talking about?

PREVIOUSLY ON THE BACHELOR: the girls say olivia is crazy over and over. ben brings her away to talk to her prior to the rose ceremony.  got it? great; here we go.

ben sits her down and he’s confused (shocker) and wants to hear her side. liv knows she’s cornered and dives right into the victim angle because she’s a shark and recognizes that pulls ben’s strings. she starts by massaging the proverbial ‘target on her back’ she’s had since their initial connection/rose side of things. her next look is one of isolation due to individualism; she likes to read, think, and “talk smart things” (direct quote), as opposed to doing nails and hair like the other girls. finally, she seals the deal with forcing out some crocodile tears because she knows ben is a softie. real talk, she makes a good point in that she can handle herself in the house, so none of the interpersonal drama with the girls really matters; only what she knows what she feels with him does. all in all, 8/10 performance, but try a deeper inspiration for the tears next time to get a good stream. don’t worry, you won’t have an issue finding one soon. ben agrees it was BET-award-worthy, and they return to the group together.

seeing their plan failed, all the girls are super pissed that she’s still here, but in true female fashion, ask her all warmly ‘oh what happened?’ and then, when she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, they all throw her the super bitch look, because, you know, how rude of her.

rose ceremony: olivia, caila, lauren b, jojo, becca, leah, and emily all receive roses, so jennifer is going home. neither of them are terribly torn up about it, since i’m not fully confident they’d had more than 15 or 20 minutes of face time the entire time. she’s confused as to what he wants, which is a common theme, as you’ll see, but is mostly like whatevs. either way it’s alright baby i gots a toothbrush n nightstand drawer for u come n see ur boi. just like, don’t wear that dress and also fix your hair before you do.

now that that’s over, it’s viva la bahamas! time, which thank god because these first 20 minutes are some i’ll never get back. caila says she thinks this is “the most romantic destination yet.” you mean compared to a group compound in thousand oaks, a hotel in las vegas, and mexico city? lofty heights, ma’am.

in the villa, while none of the girls have yet figured out how to deal with the humidity (or are going for mermaid hair but failing across the board) an immune and immaculate CH delivers the news that the dates this week are the group, the 1:1, and 2:1 dates, so one of them is going home (read: left alone on location to watch as the other two peace out) at the end of the 2:1.  the first date card calls out caila for the one-on-one, and says “let’s see if our love is reel,” so it’s a fishing date.  sidebar: i once tweeted at long john silver’s that their next marketing campaign should revolve around how they ‘only use reel meat.’ no response yet.

this news, however, comes as quite a shock to leah, who is speechless, but like the kind where she doesn’t shut up about it. she has yet to get anything but a group date, and this is cailarella’s second 1:1, so she’s feeling like a “group date groupie” (minus 5 points for not just calling it a groupie and letting us figure out a new term she coined.  make your mark on bach history any way you can, bro). best part: he comes in (in a shirt unbuttoned approximately to his belly button) and plops down riiiight next to her and it is SO AWKWARD. bless this show. ben absconds with his bonnie cai-lass to brave the briney deep, yo ho away they go.

on the docks he reveals that they’re going deep sea fishing, get on the boat, and at approximately 4 minutes into their time together, they begin sucking face. leah, because i know you’re confused as to why he picked caila to go on a 1:1 in the middle of the ocean on a boat with quarters below deck, this should give you a reel big hint. WHERE IS MY PEABODY? when she comes up for air (i can literally all. day. with these maritime musings), her ice breaker (uhp) conversation topic is, “so yeah lots of other people were pissed that you gave this date to me.” like, do you not know him at all, dude? if you want to stress ben out, tell him that. ben is captain (omg) even stevens, so anytime there’s a little bit of favoritism, he’s going to do his best to balance it out. the producers do a little bit of ben-themed INSIDE OUT now available on blu-ray/dvd combo-pack from the disney/abc family by showing us his inner thoughts via cutting back to the house where leah is presently having a nervous breakdown. like, it looks like she’s going home right now kind of breakdown. i’ve never seen so many people want to take themselves out of the competition early.

evening date: ben tells us he thinks caila is smart, which says everything you need to know about ben and their connection. his first sentence: “wow, what an incredible day.” he legit might have a pull-string on his back. keep your eyes peeled. he then jumps right in the deep end and in gentler terms says he notices she’s “smiley all the time” and he wonders if that’s basically a mask or if she really is just that surface-level. she basically feels put on the spot to open up, and doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. he says he just needs to know if she’s in it, and she displays everything you ever need to know about her with one comment: “i feel like i love you, but i don’t know why i can’t share; maybe i’m just not ready.”

…what. like, just…what.

you can see his mental gears exploding. she tries to explain this complete contradiction of a comment by saying that her biggest fear is being unable to love completely, and she’s afraid she’s going to hurt him because he’s afraid of being unlovable. (why does this sound so familiar?) she knows she’s falling in love because she “feels understood,” and that’s what she wants in life. setting that bar real high, you absolute idiot. there’s a lot of very, very confusing nonsense that follows, which ben reviews by saying, “it’s almost attractive that she can be confusing” because it shows there’s more to her. that is reaching so far, man. i mean, i absolutely get it, because i am without question most attracted to the puzzles, but there’s a huge difference between a 1000-piece jigsaw of a picture of pebbles and what is basically 20 pieces taken from different boxes, with maybe a couple wood chips thrown in because why the f not.

all of this is wrapped up with her getting the rose on what ben calls “one of the best dates of his life.” my head hurts so much.

group date: lauren b., becca, amanda, jojo, lauren h…and leah, so that’s probably the last straw for her. the card says “love is unpredictable,” so WHO KNOWS WHAT IT COULD BE?! well, what it is, is taking a catamaran to an island to hang out with some domesticated wild pigs.

…

“so you’ve seen the brochures of activities from the lobby; what are you thinking sounds like a fun date for you and six women?”
“ok before i answer, i have a question…i do not see any schools here?”
“ben, do we need to have a talk about you and schools? is there something we need to know?”
“ha ha no it is ok, i just wanted to be clear that there are no schools available–“
“there are no schools; that is correct.”
“yeah ok. and like, you have checked that we can’t use a ballroom and some chairs and–“
“ben we are not doing–”
“no no yeah i know i just…yeah….yeah ok.  well uh, with the school out of the picture…which it is…righ–“
“ben i swear to god”
“omigosh i do too!”
“WILL YOU JUST PICK S–”
“okkkkkk. well, this island looks nice.”
“see? a private beach.  now we’re on the right track!”
“do i get a gold star?”
“you’ll get a gold star when you’ve finished the date; you know that.”
“<smiles proudly> well, now that that is settled.”
“what’s settled?”
“the date i picked.”
“you didn’t pick a date. you picked a location.”
“…”
“what”
“…i don’t understand the difference?”
“ben you have to do something on a date.”
“well yeah obviously”
“so what are you going to do”
“go to the beach, of course!”
“RIGHT AND DO WHAT”
“well, just like, talk and stuff”
“NO. you need an ACTIVITY.”
“oh, like recess!”
“<off screen> can someone get me an entire bottle of rum please i’m going to lose it here”
“…are you mad at me?”
“…<deep breath> no ben. i am not mad.”
“ok because i don’t want to make y–“
“i know you don’t want to make me mad, ben. you’re fine. just tell me what you’d like to do on this date with the girls.”
“well i’d like to just talk with th–“
“ben this is the last time i’ll tell you: you need an actual activity. we can’t just film you sitting on a beach talking to them.”
“well, but lauren and i did on our first one on one?”
“yes but we took you there in a plane and we had to bring a god damn hot tub with a remote power source, water source, the whole f-ing deal, just to make it even a little bit interesting.”
“oh, right. well, but what about the picnic in the field wit–“
“HOT AIR BALLOON FIRST BEN”
“WELL FINE we’ll like take a big boat to get there!”
“OF COURSE YOU WILL IT’S AN ISLAND YOU………..ben. you know what? how about this? remember how we were telling you about the wild pigs that live on the smaller islands?”
“omigosh yes i do!”
“good. well let’s bring in some of those, and you guys can feed them, ok?”
“YES! it’ll be like going on a field trip to a petting zo–“
“someone get him out of here i’m gonna SNAP.”

while on the island, he and lauren b. seem to be on their own little date, and everyone is feeling the awkwardness of being third wheels.  and fourth wheels.  and fifth you get this joke let’s move on.  every once in a while we see him trying to get people into it, but everyone is very weird about the whole thing. the weather is shitty, the date is shitty, and he’s really only spending time with lauren. this is what happens when you don’t keep everyone occupied on a group date, especially this late in the game. idle minds are not your friend, ben. especially when one of them is just hopping from girl to girl bitching about her lack of time with you.

ultimately he and leah talk, where she literally cries about not getting a one on one yet. ben turns it back on her saying that she could have had time, which is true, but at the same time, dude, maybe know your audience here. while she’s being a huge little bit of a whiner, just going around crying to everyone and calling him an idiot, he really should give her a little bit more attention if he has the intention of keeping her around. plus, her anchor earrings are cute. throw her a bone. don’t.

ben shows up to the night date in the above ivory ribbed tee.  he pulls becca away and she basically tells him that everyone sees the lauren b. thing and it’s throwing everyone off, but she makes out with him anyway. then it’s amanda’s turn to complain, to which he basically says “yeah it’s like really hard for me to show you attention during the day but at night i can spit game at you because i’m alone, so.” finally, leah takes his earlier advice to heart and takes him aside. unfortunately, that’s where her smarts stop, because she begins by saying she “doesn’t like drama” (which is girl code for ‘i’m exclusively drama btw’) and says that there are “women in the house” that aren’t being real with him. she doesn’t want to say names, but it’s “the person [he] has the strongest connection with.” the producers trick help us at home by overdubbing her saying “lauren b.” this appears to concern ben, and that’s when lauren walks in. he confronts her, saying that she might be different in the house than she is to him, and she is both confused and pretty annoyed about it. “i just want to tell you so you know,” he concludes. ben, this is one of those things where telling her makes you feel better, not her feel better. should have just dealt with it yourself, man.  anyway, as expected, she goes back to the girls and cries about it. leah says, “wait, your name was brought up? well i didn’t say anything.” “so you didn’t say anything?” becca asks. “nope,” leah affirms. then ben walks in and gives amanda the rose because who knows maybe she had the most nip slips. leah says she still isn’t sure she’s going to be kept, so she’s going to have to do something…”more extreme.”

back in the house, the girls basically put it together that leah was whining all day and is obviously the one who threw lauren under the bus. leah’s EXTREME MEASURE is to go over to his place to talk to him about it, i.e. shit-talk and cry until he gives her the rose because everyone has figured out that’s all it takes with him.

when she shows up, ben is nicely toasted on vino, so this is only going one of two ways. leah’s got game, so she does a really nice job of watering that seed of doubt in his mind. however, in a DRAMATIC TWIST, ben is drunk enough to be real blunt with her and tells her pretty much verbatim: “so the first night, i felt like there could be something, and then basically never anything more than that afterwards,” and then straight up sends her home. the producers frantically fire off memos to only feed him red wine from now on.

in her final confessional, she admits to basically throwing lauren to the wolves because of her own self-doubt.  ben says he knows he made the right choice, but can’t help but wonder if there’s truth to what she said, and if the whole process is going to work.  wait, is he actually here for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS? #branding rookie move, bro.

two-on-one date: emily and olivia. the first card says, “two women, one rose. one stays, one goes.  CH” i’m seriously considering getting that as a rib tattoo like ben’s (which, in case you were wondering, is proverbs 16:3. that’s right). the actual date card says, “let’s see what the bahamas have in store for us,” so it’s anybody’s guess as to what that could mean. twenty three year old olivia isn’t concerned, however, saying that twenty two year old emily is “young…she’s like a bird.”

[gif of the following conversation from clueless:
cher-“ty when is your birthday?”  ty-“may.”
cher-“well mine is in april, so as someone older, let me give you some advice.”]

emily goes all david and goliath on us (you’re welcome, ben), saying “i’m going on to fight this battle for everyone against olivia.” but first, she has to call her sister to gloat that she’s in the bahamas. once she’s properly salted that wound, they depart to meet ‘their boyfriend’ in the best shot of this episode that made me howl with laughter for one minute and thirty seconds:

once together, they all take a boat through some pretty awful weather to another god damn beach where, this time, literally his whole date is to sit and talk, piglessly. absolutely nothing planned except for getting dropped off on a beach and then talking. they could have at least brought a canopied bed for them to wait on like chris’ trip to the desert with kelsey and ashley.

livvy is the first to be brought away to talk about their “love” which her psychosis is calling “all consuming, ever present, always growing.” once alone, he asks her about last week. she just talks about how smart she is and how confident in herself she is, then wraps it all up by finally saying that she’s in love with him. when emily gets her time, she is panicky but saying things a normal, rational person would say, so he’s got both extremes of people. he basically says nothing to either of them, but mostly because he’s busy playing chaz dean.

they rejoin a frozen solid olivia back on the beach, where he picks up the rose, then asks skiv to come with him for a walk down the beach. at this point, olivia is just staring at him like he’s going to propose.

he is not.

he spends all of 20 seconds basically saying yeah so anyway i’m like not going to love you at all ever really so you gotta go and then walks away to give the rose to an elated emily before peacing out on the boat, leaving olivia alone on the beach in this hurricane. likely in a bit of shock, she just stands there looking totally confused and so pitiful.

i actually feel really bad for her.  she was a whole snake den of crazy, but she very honestly and deeply believed her delusions. i get why he just ripped the band-aid off, because she really needed that kind of direct and unchangeable resolve, but especially since compassion and empathy are his whole deal, ben should have had a little more class than that. i’m just glad she’s at beach level with these waves and rocks, because upstairs she’s going all kinds of chris cupcake.

rose ceremony time.  as the storm continues to bloom into the evening, becca shows her poetic side by remarking that, “it’s almost like the weather has predicted this whole week.” i wonder if she and CH ever had a sit down to compare notebooks.

as the girls are waiting around for the cocktail party to start, CH walks in to inform them that ben cancelled the cocktail party and he’s just going in dry. no he’s not, they all think. everyone thinks they’re the one going home, but only lauren h is. this means that remaining are teen amomda, cailarella, becca (who, sidebar, when asked if she’d accept the rose, responded, “yeah.”) jojo, and lauren b.

lauren h is confused because she’s not sure what he wants, which, at this point, i’m not really even sure ben knows. he’s so all over the place, which is only exemplified in our little teaser for the rest of the season where it seems like he makes his final decision but goes back on it. i feel bad for her, too.  no you’re the softie shut up.

now, as a special treat, they’ve informed us that they’re throwing a big party for the 20th season of the bachelor on sunday night.  all this means, from the looks of it, is they made everyone show up at a holiday inn and fed them drinks until their uglies, sides and parts alike, started bumping.

god bless this show.

(you’re welcome, ben.)

a

BUST A RECAP: WEEK 5

ok it seems like i’m developing a pattern here.  i had another apple fritter this morning. i’m only 1 gold sardine away from my remodel (had to spend some on toys and such, donchyano). i wore a casual aubergine thermal and slippers to the office because i just wanted to be cozy, dammit.  these fridays are positively brills.  i’ve been told that none of you read this on fridays, but let’s get real: if i did this for other people, i probably wouldn’t be doing it at all.  only i like to hear me talk.  or, at least, based on the NO FEEDBACK I GET FROM YOU.

BearFighter BachCap
bachcap was super on-time this week, and for those wanting the quickest of all run-downs, give it a click-thru. we had lots of commonalities: being largely concerned with the safety of the cast & crew in mehico city, feeling the absence of CH, etc. the largest story here, however, is that yours truly had a thought in common with a regular people, in that:

I keep looking for the specific way Ben is a sociopath, because he has to be, right? And this episode, it kind of hit me.  He has a savior complex.

see? SEE? i’m just like everyone else!  plz respond.

—

BetchCap
ok they may actually give zack a run for his money with the most concise recap.  though, to be fair, they are very different.

they start with bitching about the caucus, which warms my heart. we continue to many other similarities on nearly all fronts:

“Only on the Bachelor do they talk about how much they want to get to know each other while NOT ACTUALLY GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER.”

“During the part where they ‘open up’:
Lauren H: I found out he had been cheating on my with one of my friends.
Ben: Yeah”

and the part of all of the recaps that made me laugh the hardest:

“Ben: Jubilee is a great girl but …
Jojo: I’mma let you finish but JoJo has one of the best dresses on of all time and she wants to talk to you.”

—

Bach Fantasy
in the true spirit of the bachelor, i think i’m going to have to eliminate this one from my recapception.  the issue is that their recaps are always posted too late to be included with my friday schedule, so, i’m sorry, if you did not receive a rose this week, please say your goodbyes.

—

Cosmo/Ashley IaCap
bless ashley for jumping right in to calling out the date-recycling.  no foreplay this week, and i dig it.  usually not my MO (ladies?), but sometimes, you just gotta.  she does then talk about sleeping with an eyemask and ear plugs in, which is like, totally and completely horrifying to me.  how can you be so disconnected from your surroundings, you psycho? no SHE is the psycho. just…ok? alright? 

so nothing of real revelation here, so i guess i’ll just post the part that made me want to throw up a lot of a bit.

“Shall we add another point to the list of reasons why Ben really is perfect? Here it is: He’s the type of guy who can even make a bizarrely vibrant button-down becoming. He and Lauren H. have the nerve-wracking honor of participating in a fashion show for their one-on-one date. Ben fits right in with the models. He makes everything look easy.”

—

HuffPo
alright i am jubilee-ing this one too.  maybe i’ll bring it back for a celebrity if she says anything worth ridiculing in time.

—

EW
so if we’re being honest, i thought my recap was a little…underwhelming this week.  more of an outline of what happened, rather than ridiculing reflecting on what happened. can’t win ’em all.  however, what makes me feel better, is that sam’s was a bit of the same way. i promise we’re not the same person, you guys.  really.  however, she did have a couple quips that made me exhale sharply through my nose and send to bethany on gchat.

“As the women explore their new hotel, Olivia discovers that she has a bidet. Much like her secret “love language” with Ben, she’s not sure if the other women know it exists, but she does. (So my money’s on the fact that she doesn’t actually have a bidet.)”

“…has something happened to Ben’s hair? It looked a lot better than this before, right?”

“[Olivia’s] moved from “wanting” Ben to “needing” him. And you know what they say about co-dependent relationships… Don’t have them.”

there are a bunch more, but if i showed you every example, why would you bother clicking over to hers?  god i’m such a team player and amazing person.  but, just because i didn’t find a way to put it into my recap, but posted it to my live-snap sessions:

“Brief break: Back at the hotel, Lauren H.’s date card reads, “Let’s design a life together,” but the real mystery is what dark liquid she’s drinking out of that champagne flute.”

—

FoxSports
mattie really stepped up his game this week.  his format, while seemingly more rushed and weird, somehow made things, i don’t know…better?  either way, i have no problem saying i fully enjoyed his offering this week, and i definitely recommend it. (btw: 52 words before a chick)

BEST BACHCAP AWARD: WEEK 4

the highlights:

“Oh this just in, Ben doesn’t care about how much the women learn or how their food tastes. All that really  matters is their participation level. I can’t stand him. His kids probably won’t be allowed to play sports where they keep score. Participation medals for everyone!!“

“Jubilee’s constant need for reassurance is making my head explode. I want to like her, really I do, but I can’t. Girl, you survived WAR, this should be a walk in the park. Ben’s apparently had enough tequila to grow a pair and send her home. SHE GONE! …and then Ben cries. YOU DIDN’T EVEN LIKE HER DUDE. Have I told you lately that I hate Ben?”

and the coup-de-grace:

“All the girls are sitting around listening to Amanda talk about her kids, when Olivia says she feels like she’s on an episode of Teen Mom. YES. Amanda is pissed and says, “First of all I was 22 when I had my first, 24 when I had my second. I’m 25, I have my shit together and that was not a very nice thing to say.”  Yes, your shit is so together you are currently looking for love on national TV. PREACH.”

—

as for comments, while reading through this week, it became clear to me what i needed to do.  purplepaw, whoever you are, you are my hero, and in a SHOCKING and DRAMATIC twist, you win:

REAL TALK OF THE WEEK

EW – @GoldButton:
“I think you have to be nuts to be on this show in the first place, some more than others (Olivia)….Jubilee either never watched this show or just is not cut out for this kind of crazy, she needs to date someone in a normal situation, not a guy that is dating 20 or whatever other women, she is too insecure.”
in response, @PurplePaw:
“no, she needs to be in therapy”

EW – @OrangeLocomotive:
“Am i the only one who LOVES Lauren H? She’s so funny and refreshing and I feel like we haven’t seen enough of her this season! She most likely won’t make it all the way to the end, but I enjoyed watching her date with Ben last night more than anything else!”
in response, @PurplePaw:
“yes, you are the only one”

EW – @OrangeTeepee:
“Awww, Jubileeeeee.  Hit the bricks, nutso.”
in response, @PurplePaw:
“I guess we’re in the minority here but I totally agree.  She was driving me bananas and Ben gave her way more credit and time than she deserved.  Jubes – Hit the bricks and work on chiselling off the massive chip on your shoulders.”

—

(no, i was not purple paw.) well, that’s all from me, folks.  you kids have one heck of a weekend, and we’ll see you monday night!  it’s all getting good, now…i cannot wait.

a

The Bachelor S20E05: Ju-bye-lee

ok gang, this week, to gain all the perspective i can for you, and to bring this recap to the NEXT LEVEL, and for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS (#BRANDING), i’m going ALL IN.  i’m drinking vodka sodas (don’t worry…wine base. it’s like a bread base, but for not pussies.)  i put on undershirt-less cashmere (again don’t worry, joggers and slippers, not belt-less jeans and work boots).  i’m entering the mind of the bachelor.  i’m getting zen with ben.  bam shabam.

first and first mostly, f you, george stephanopoulos.  how dare you suppose what i want and delay my bachelor experience.  does abc really believe that the bachelor audience gives any shit about the iowa caucus, which is already a totally and completely worthless thing anyway?  oh…actually, phrased like that, point taken.  i see you, steph.  my bad.

anyway, off to “viva mehico!” god olivia is such a loser.  guaranteed they have many instances of her saying “what happens in vegas” from last week that we were thankfully spared.  it’s our unspoken gift from the producers.  you have to look for those kind of things.  can you tell i’ve had ultra super healthy relationships? what was i talking about again?

oh right, we’re going to, as ben now says, “viva mexico!” ok, maybe these two do belong together.  everyone is super excited to go, because what could be more fun than the constant concern for your safety, possessions, and bowels, all wrapped up in a nice cartel-controlled third world burrito?  regardless, ben is specifically excited about the incredible fashion (#FORESHADOWING) and food (#FORESHADOWING), proving he has actually never been to mexico, but just really likes chili’s.  feel you, dawg. 

the girls are jazzed up, as they unlawfully operate a video recording device on an aircraft coursed for international travel, then blend in with the natural surroundings via caravan of black suburbans, in which leah bonds with the group by asking, “are you excited to see ben?!”

emily decides to let us know that, now that her sister’s not here, “[she] doesn’t feel like [she] has anything holding [her] back.”  you know, just in case you’d forgotten about her totally throwing haley under the bus last week.  i wonder, if one twin gets run over, does the other feel it?  clearly they don’t share emotional pain.  either way, real talk, she’s a little ruthless with her head in the game and i can at least respect that.

the squad posts up at the four seasons because they can afford better security than the other places in the show’s budget.  olivia, after spouting (hilarious) that she has a bidet (a waterpik shower head doesn’t count, love), tells us that there’s “no doubt” that she loves ben. “he doesn’t validate people the way he validates me.  i think our love language is reserved for us.” newsflash (hilarious), liv: half of love is reciprocation. until then, you’re just in like. or, in your case, in obsession. in stalker. in potentially-wearing-his-skin.

anyway the point of this likely-out-of-context confessional is that she thinks she’s gonna get the one-on-one which means it obviously goes to amanda. this will be amanda’s “first real date in a really long time,” which proves that she has no concept of reality if she thinks this is a “real” date.  our girl is all:

but really all:

since she doesn’t understand why ben would want to be with the mom, which, granted.

amanda’s date begins with ben announcing that it’s 4:20am (ayy lmao nice one abc blaze it). he’s going to break into their rooms while they’re asleep which is totally not something a murderapist does to “see these girls in their element” which is totally not something a murderapist says i.e. so we can see all of these girls without makeup yet again because abc needs to humanize them to femiddle america, as well as show off how zomg totally zaney and spontaneous ben is LOL. lauren h. is everyone’s spirit animal by getting real with her retainer.

bless you, child.  enough points to you to offset your “little ben” joke. mm probably not to wash away your ball handling joke, though. i am a merciful but strict lord, yea.  also 12 points to the PA in the background who literally can’t even rn.

anyway, britt amanda slept in her makeup so it was like a “total surprise” when chris ben showed up to take her for their date. i mean clearly no one tipped her off at all; that’s just how she sleeps! 😛 sidebar: jen looked actual sleep cute so she maintains her ex status. chris and britt amanda and ben depart for their date while he says viva la mehico again.

now that the girls are up, olivia decides she’s going to babble about how she’s not threatened to whichever forced therapist will listen, and eventually brings up the mom thing. lauren h, the poor sap, makes the mistake of quasi-validating her, which is gas on liv’s ever expanding fire.  <caila explosive reference attempt>

continuing the biggest bachelor cliches for the most cliche guy, chris and britt repeat their date of a hot air balloon ride. this time it’s over mexican ruins, about which ben recites the all the facts he can remember from the fodor’s travel guide he read on the plane. afterwards they go to have a picnic in the middle of a field because this must be like a little fetish of ben’s? outdoor sex? probably more like “i can’t think of anything let’s just go sit somewhere i’m not distracted” this time it’s amanda’s turn to explain that she’s nervous while he says don’t be, lather, rinse, repeat. honestly, i can’t figure out how these people know anything about each other, because all they ever seem to talk about is how they either enjoy being around one another, or how nervous they are when they’re not. i guess that’s common ground?

the evening date looks like it’s at that place from BIP where they always put the table out in the middle of that water-covered plinth, but this time it’s only in the background. have to keep some things special, i suppose. amanda gives us a little of her backstory: she got married when her oldest was 6 months old to the baby dady, but he was going out and partying all the time, because that’s what 22 year olds do. she then gets pregnant with the second, around which time she finds an old cell phone with texts from girls, etc. TL;DR: she forced him to get married because she got pregnant when she was barely old enough to drink, and because he wasn’t ready he didn’t change his lifestyle (#standwithPP). she explains that she had this vision of a perfect family and pressured him into it because of kids and this is why this happens. when will people learn that when you see marriage as the goal, it only leads to people forcing others into a predetermined mold.  marriage is only a byproduct of just wanting to share your time on earth with someone who makes you happy, with whom you have fun, who will support you when you need it, won’t put up with your bullshit when you try it, and only serves to further challenge you every day to be better than you were the day before. also if they’re hot and good in bed.

ben does a really excellent job of reassuring her of herself and doesn’t understand why someone would let her go, says he respects her for having gone through that stuff, and doesn’t understand why she would be interested in him. femiddle america needs to excuse themselves. what he lowkey means by all of this, however, is, “so like, u got a metric ton of baggage, and like, why you tryna put that on me? not sure if want. i do feel bad for u tho that real sucks so.” ben does have a bit of a savior complex, so he might be into it.  oh, anyway, she gets the rose, in case you thought it would go any differently.

GROUP DATE TIME. this week, it’s jubes, becca, jojo, caila, emily, lauren b, jennifer, leah, and olivia, meaning lauren h is our other one-on-one.  the date card reads, “como se dice the way to a man’s heart,” so it’s either a cooking or blowjob date, and i had to google to make sure they weren’t speaking italian, since that’s the only language in which i know that phrase. (se/si, in case you were wondering.  f romance languages.)  olivia continues to terrify us with just a casual little quip: “it’s not a want anymore; it’s a need.  i need him.“

date time, and ben decides he’s going to wear a black henley on a date in mexico. further proving that he peaked in high school, he brings them into another god damn classroom. he might also have a schoolgirl fetish. after learning nine words in spanish, the group takes turns mocking daytime soap operas on univision by exchanging love phrases together, such as i want to kiss you and will you marry me? but not what that mouth do, puta? so it’s a cooking date, then.

jubes, because she’s just so real, is of course a real dick when her turn comes to hear ben speak “i love you” at her, saying “mm you said that to the last 4 girls.” GOOD PLAN BRO. but don’t fret, liv has her turn and is just as delusional as you’d hope in their exchange.  she says she feels the “electrici-tay” (yep) when she felt like he was “speaking only to her” when that’s literally exactly what he was doing. hey, as long as you’re enjoying it? maybe a little too much, though.

after third period, ben “spontaneously” brings them into a market that has a restaurant upstairs, where they meet the head chefs.  the brother/sister chef duo spell out that they’re having a cook-off, and all the recipes are in spanish, thereby somehow justifying the hour of their lives they just lost in a mexican classroom. the group splits into pairs, and olivia is the first to figure out that there is an even number including ben, so immediately claims him as her partner.  jubes is standing next to him, and in true ‘merican fashion, believes this gives her the right to fight for him, despite not getting there first.  an awkward few seconds later and liv wins out, obviously furthering everyone’s resentment for her.

advertising sidebar: i can’t even with this mcdonalds/bachelor crossover commercial. we know your millennial market is tanking, but that isn’t the way to do it, mac. is this going to be the new thing? i guess actually i might be excited to see what next week’s product is.  damn it, i’m so easy.

the teams head downstairs to shop for the ingredients while they try to speak spanish. have none of these girls ever seen a mexican menu before? ancho chile is not difficult to pronounce. basically i’m team jojo and becca during all of this, because they’re legitimately just throwing back a couple cervezas while judging/spying on team bolivia, who are walking around taking mezcal shots and eating crickets. the best part of all of it, though, was when ben took liv to “try the mint” because her breath was so awful. 11 personality points for our bachelor and 34 points to bejocca for taking the julia child approach to cooking.

however, all his points and more are revoked for throwing out this trash: “i’m no longer the bachelor, i’m the spatchelor.”

in the kitchen, everyone is having fun, seem to be getting along well, and despite not having a ton of time with ben, seem to be enjoying themselves.  however, ben notices that team lauren b/jubes are not. she looks to be isolating herself and not pulling her weight, and someone out there is thinking, “just like the soccer mom analogy” that someone is me i just don’t want to say it onto the recipe rundown:

emily/jennifer: ceviche, which is literally the easiest thing to make since you don’t even have to cook it…just chop and add an acid.  the chefs say it’s fine.

caila/leah: chile rellenos (which sidebar is one of my absolute favorite things ever…lookin at you, tomasita’s) and even though theirs looks nothing like any chile rellenos i’ve ever seen, they love it, because how could you not.

jojo/becca: they make tacos, and i’ll just…

and since you know it’s coming (don’t), jojo drops the inevitable, “ben already tasted my taco, and he loved it.” maybe that orgasm on the rooftop wasn’t feigned, after all.

team bolivia: they’ve made a “duck sandwich” (with crickets?), which i will review with the following two photographs.

lastly, jubes/lauren: they don’t say what they made but apparently it was fish and really good. jubilee looks alive for the first time in weeks, and says that “the chefs say that in mexico you’re ready to get married when you can cook…well i’m ready to get married!” <thunder rumbles in the distance; clouds begin to billow on the horizon.>

the evening date arrives, and in a shocking twist of events, liv steals him first, and everyone is pissed. eventually we get various shots of the other girls not saying anything of substance whatsoever while ben spoon-feeds each of them the same lines about being incredible and amazing. when everything’s special, nothing is. jubes just gets more and more pissed that he’s “developing connections” with other women. “i’m not used to being overshadowed,” she explains.  if that, right there, wasn’t the moment all of you people who have been eating up her poor pitiful me routine finally saw the light, in which she totally contradicts all of that horseshit she’s been feeding him to his face and reveals her actual mentality, i’ve got nothing else for you. ben comes back to the group like a guilty boyfriend to ask her to talk, and when she gets up, he reaches for her hand, but she refuses. <loud thunder clap>

in their talk, she goes right into the pity party, saying she feels overshadowed, and wonders if he’s noticing her among the other girls. ben FINALLY calls her out and asks how he’s supposed to feel when she pulls that ‘you just said that to the other girls’ and ‘nah i won’t hold your hand’ crap. she says she gets it but really feels like she’s being attacked because her only card to play is the victim.  “i don’t want you to feel like i’m pulling back, because i’m not” except for that time when i really did literally pull back from you just now lol whoops. eventually, realizing she’s losing purchase, she tries to explain that, because she’s being attacked by the others, she isn’t herself around them, and when it’s just the two of them, that’s who she really is.  jubilee, if you can only ‘be yourself’ when you’re alone with him, it’s not real. that just means you only have enough game to fool one person at a time because you can’t field multiple people questioning you. it’s never going to be just you and him in life.

finally seeing the writing on the wall and hopefully having had enough of this charade, ben asks her if she feels like there could be something between them, and she only responds with, “i want you to tell me if you think there could be.” i’ll give it to her, at least she’s going down with the ship.  ben says that even though they’ve had “incredible moments,” since he only knows 45 flipping words, he’s out. i never lost faith in you, buddy. no don’t go back and read anything.  good work.  blah blah blah she cries and self doubts, reaffirms all of her pity, i don’t give a good shit watch your head getting into the waiting limo bye bye. ben hams it up for the camera so that his story with her is complete, which is smart of him, and that’s the end of that.

ben returns to the group and feels like he has to justify to america the girls why he sent her home. jojo interrupts his self-redemptive speech by stealing him away to not talk about anything other than omg it must be like so hard for you.  she makes out with his zip up ankle boots, and it must have been good enough to win her the rose.

except noooope, livvy skivvy wins it. ohh yes. this can only go wonderfully.

the next morning, it’s time for lauren h’s date: let’s design a life together. honestly this date was super boring so i’ll breeze through but my favorite part was when ben said, “what most people don’t know about mexico city is that it’s known for its fashion.” ok so, a large part of “being known” for something is having “people know about it.” i don’t care what the mexican tourism board paid you to say.  phrase it so that you don’t sound like an dummy.

alright, back to the date, they’re going to be going to a fashion show i.e. they go to rehearsal and look at everyone, then do their best to be models in the show.  neither of them have seen zoolander, because it’s just as awkward as you’d expect. they have basically next to no chemistry so far, but then again, who could while they go from getting prepped apart from each other to wearing garbage clothing.  despite this, lauren sadly informs us that this was the best day of her life. before leaving for the night date, they lube up celebrate with everyone’s panty-dropper a literal half cup of tequila. that must be why they bring everyone to mexico. there is method to the madness.

they’ve had time to sober up by the night date, because they walk into dinner that evening with no discernible stumbling.  i miss BIP when everyone is unabashedly paralytic the entire time.  they talk about each other seeing each other for who they are, and they seem like they’re actually having a decent time, but it’s hard to see if it’s impassioned or just like they get each other on a friend level.  shockingly, she had a long term relationship and he cheated (which must be a requisite for this show <fade in sad piano music>), but she chose to be happy [a year later] as a result. ben thinks that’s “incredible.” i’ll give her credit, she’s doing this well, because even though she really isn’t saying much that is revolutionary, she is laying it all out candidly and honestly, which is super attractive (usually…olivia…), so she gets the rose no question. ya dern kids. so cyute.

rose ceremony time has arrived, and one of the ladies says she “feels like [she’s] in a castle right now,” but really it looks like the boston public library.  sidebar: jen looks kind of awful tonight so she loses status for the evening.  ben tries his hand at mixing patterns and it’s just whatever. klojo kardash pulls him away first and they high five about something before making out, but the real story is what are thooooose.

back with the girls, amanda is talking a bit about how her childcare and custody schedule works because why wouldn’t you want to hear about that? looking at you, every mom ever. olivia, speaking for all of us wanting to connect but not having any social skills, says:

“i feel like it’s an episode of teen mom i’m watching right now.”

<crickets>

“well, you know that show?”

<LOUDER AND MORE AWKWARD CRICKETS>

of course this triggers MOM RAGE MODE, which knows neither reason nor subtlety.  “i had my kids at 22 and 24…i have my shit together.” ok honey, the numerical age at which you had your kids is like 4% of the issue, but we’re not going to get into it, because, well, MRM.  she then follows with a counterstrike, “you remind me of snooki because she was a hot mess all the time.” good one. livvy, knowing she’s in the doghouse, takes the marginally higher low road and pushes out a couple crocodile tears, saying she’s “learning a lot about herself” on the show and she’s “gonna try harder.”

emily, ever becoming the carly voice of reason on the show, decides that she doesn’t buy it and is gonna go risk snitching to chris ben who kelsey britt olivia really is. she tries to get it out but basically cries, and before she can, liv shows up to interrupt and nip the trash talking in the bud.

in her tradition of presenting him with gifts each rose ceremony like some kind of cat, olivia channels her inner nick viall and gives kaitlyn ben a pinky ring. ben puts it on, but then we see a couple shots later him taking it out of his breast pocket, so it must have gone over exactly as well as you’d expect. seemingly nearing the end of his rope with the mixed messages (and probably high off the jubectomy), ben tries to pry into how she’s dealing with the house, but she casually brushes it off.  his intuition leads him to question everyone else, and they all spill the beans on what she’s like with the rest of them, so now he’s “confused.”

finally, CH makes his first appearance in mexico with a gorgeous new bronzed hue and a knife clink on a flute. WHERE IS MY PEABODY? obviously we’re to think this is the start of the ceremony, but since it’s 10:58 in a DRAMATIC TURN OF EVENTS, ben asks to speak with olivia…alone. murmurs of rose retraction over swelling orchestral hits and jump cuts abound until…

(and there’s no better way that i could end this than…)

TO BE CONTINUED.

a