Bachelor in Paradise S03E10/11: Finale

so legit i am 100000% busy this week/end, and in fact, haven’t even seen the finale yet, and i’m honestly not sure when i will. though, to be fair, it’s no surprise any more what happens, since three of the couples were definitely getting engaged, and the one that isn’t is going to be the next bachelor. i may do a recap at some point, i may not. for now, however, just imagine me watching and having this reaction to everything on the screen.

until next time, whenever that is.

xo a

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Bachelor in Paradise S03E10/11: Finale

Bachelor in Paradise S03E08/9: A Quickie

so many apologies, gang. life’s been crazy this week, so this will be a little hurried, but i’ll do my best.

first things first: i’m into it. now, if i’d written this blog during kaitlyn’s season, y’all would have had QUITE a bit of ammo with which to make me eat my words with a statement like that (please do not revisit our gchat convo logs, you know who you are), or even scanning back through this season. i took (and still partially take) great offense to what is regrettably probably my closest/most often noted comparison on here. but i’m totally down. yes, he has been known to be the biggest, whiniest puss of all of the whiny pusses in all of the land. yes, he now has a super weird and confusing head/body combo, attractiveness-wise. yes, his hair looks like i pulled it out of my shower drain. yes, listening to him speak keeps me on the edge of my seat, because i swear to god one of these days he’s going to let out a whistle with one of his s-syllables and i’m going to LOSE IT.

however.

he really seems to have turned it around this season. perhaps he’s been broken enough that he was able to rebuild. it’s no question he has been spitting the most truth of everyone in paradise thus far, and has shown an abundance of personality, and even the glimmer of a sense of humor. and perhaps most importantly, he can hold a full conversation, complete with original contributions, which is more than can be said of either luke or [god forbid] chase. perhaps nick, like yours truly, only gets better with age. i’m kind of excited to find out.

now. on to the big show.

we resume the ashley manipulation-fest where she says some stuff probably i was really just looking at her boobs trying to see if she was wearing pasties right now until she decides to blame her dog’s health (most specifically, the lack of it at all) for her troubles.

a: i know that the spirit of my dog lucy…mmmmmmm…is gonna help me on this journey! i feel like i don’t even need to provide additional comment. 

bachelor-in-paradise-ashley-lucy-dog-god
emmy. award. immediately.

DOGGOD provides wells as the answer to her prayers for a man. what a POS god.

everyone literally pleads with him to take her on a date, upon announcement of which they are awarded thunderous applause. their date is cute, but only mostly because it consists of three of my favorite things in the entire world: tacos, the talking heads, and dogs. oh, and gorgeous, manipulative women. four of my favorite things. 

this grant/lace fight takes way too long and both of them are idiots through the whole thing so i’ll just provide my quick sum-up.

dear lace: stop poking holes in a good thing because you’re scared of getting real feelings for someone you fucking child.
dear grant: telling someone that they disrespected you and that they need to respect you is not how someone respected gets it.

they make up or whatever.

nick and amanda are going to go fuck to bed. there is apparently only one place where that can happen(?), and to no one’s surprise, jamoshda have all but made this fuck fortress their home. however, amanda (who is one half of jamoshda, in case that isn’t made clear in what follows)(and actually she’s the woman so if josh has half a brain she is all of jamoshda, as far as he’s concerned) offers their hopefully clean sheeted bed to jenick nen for the night, since she’s going to go to bed. which she does. heavily.

on their sherpa-less trek to up mount neverest, in the hi-imma-lay-ya’s (HONESTLY. MY PULITZER. ANY DAY NOW.), they’re halted by cave troll josh, who tells them they’re not allowed to cross his bridge, since he’s planning on doing sex to amanda there. actual footage:

ykrGDnR

j: nah amanda and i are sleeping up there tonight.
j: ok she told us we could, that’s the only reason [we were going up there].
j: nah. we’re sleeping up there. just lettin’ y’all know.
bachelor-in-paradise-josh-smug-log-of-human-shit
j: where is she?
j: she’ll be down here soon.
j: well why would she tell me that?
j: i dunno, but i put a fan up there to keep it up there for us. but thank you though.

yeah jen, you total moron, don’t you know the fan rule? god i hate him so much.

then, after saying those total facts, he has to go make sure they’re true, so he goes to find amanda, who is totally 1000% zonked. he then, being the brain-trust he is, decides his best course of action is to WAKE HER UP. JOSH. what is your ever-loving problem. the absolute only time you ever wake a woman up is if it’s literally life-threatening, and you’ve already made sure you can’t get her out without waking her up. but no, not super josh. his plan is to wake her up, tell her what’s happening, and then pick a passive aggressive fight with her when he doesn’t get his way.

bachelor-in-paradise-josh-manipulate1

what a catch, america. i hope every one of you out there who is into him in any capacity feels really good about yourself.

R O S E   C E R E M O N Y

honestly this is all so boring i can’t stand it so the highlights are that evan blows a kiss to carly and i POSITIVELY WRETCH ALL OVER THE ENTIRE WORLD.

bachelor-in-paradise-evan-blow-kiss-carly-blorf.gif

god i feel violated every time he does anything.

then the normal everyone gets roses until the twins decide that they’re gonna duck out, which makes me/them/all very sad. i think they thought i’d be pretty light duty and they could hold out and develop something at their own pace, but they saw some pretty strong shit happening around them and got down on themselves. we still luh u.

before they leave, though, they have to tell amanda, because she is too stupid to figure it out, that josh is clinically psychopathic. amanda acts like it’s the first time she’s even considered that the fact that literally every word anyone other than josh has said to her has been “don’t” might be correct?

seeing his grip on her slipping, josh decides to go see what’s up.

j: what’s wrong?
a: i don’t really want to talk about it.
j: ok well let’s go over here and talk about it.
a: i just don’t even want to talk about it.
j: ok, i’m really confused, though. what’s up.
a: fine, i’ll talk about it.

almost verbatim what happened. how do people not realize when this is happening to them? i’m getting real beyond the point of feeling oh so sawwy fow poow widdle amomda. grow up or get what you deserve.

what follows is a bunch of josh taking the high ground by getting in everyone’s face and yelling at them for damaging his character and his relationship. i’ll let the irony of that stand on it’s own. choicest line:

j, to n: you’d better hope everything’s good with amanda and me.

how about, josh, not only do you very not get to inform me what i’d better hope, as if i give any shit about you or your well-being in even the faintest capacity, and with particular respect to your relationship with someone else(??) but also, if someone else saying, ‘mm i dunno’ about you is enough for someone to call it with you, there are much larger issues at stake here…none of which involve me. in conclusion, hey go suck a dick.

ultimately amanda is like “mm but hot tho so” and like so many women before, just keeps on keepin’ on under the guise of self-empowerment. lovely.

so now jami shows up and she’s very cute and her hair is a great length but horrendous and she and wells go on a date and it’s booooring but the big story here is that ashley is super chill about the whole thing, even though she likes him, and even though they clearly had a way better time, and whatever super uninteresting let’s move on.

to wrap things up, ashley ups the ante with regards to her manipulation of caila, in flat out telling her she should go home. real talk she was a total bitch through all of this, and not even so much in her usual regal manner. but apparently, because caila just really likes jared, as you’ll remember her informing us, that’s all it takes for her to say yah ok, so she packs up everything and gets it all loaded up before finding jared and being like oh so btw i’m outtie l8rs babe.

but in the most forced and scripted romantic gesture yet, he “runs” (read: slightly jogs) after her leaving SUV (read: they were in idle down a dirt road for 15 yards then stopped so he could catch up), and jumps in without any of his things, which he’ll need to turn around and go get please, driver. no one felt anything during this entire sequence, including all viewers and participants. 0% chance the two most boring people have a successfully boring relationship longer than a few weeks outside of this.

LAUREN H SHOWS UP! awww yay. she’s a fellow michigander, is in GR all the time, and will forever be enshrined in my heart/the BACHELOR HALL OF REALNESS™ for her early morning interview, after being awoken by ben (at 4:20am lol blaze it he was SO FUNNY GUYS).

qdo0oaul

along with her arrives shushanna, the russian girl who refused to speak to ben in english…ever? ashley calls her eurotrash, which is inappropriate because russia is in asia, but is actually totally appropriate because it and eastern europe are the same f-ing thing who are you kidding. also, she may be the first bach contestant to arrive with a tongue piercing, which is totally fine, you can be a great person with a tongue piercing. you just don’t get to not be trashy, too. i don’t write the rules.

bachelor-in-paradise-shushanna-tongue-piercing

anyway, she asks wells on her half of a double date with lauren, which means ashley and jami can bond over “feelings.” lauren asks ben because she’s into tan men in their early 30’s with great hair and a better beard and vinny/america lets out a smug chuckle at izzy’s suffering.

anyway they go surfing and take lessons from kunu and i just really wish i was watching forgetting sarah marshall instead of this stupid date. still luh u lauren call me.

ijsxprdo less.

jamoshda goes on a date.

ok i didn’t do so badly! yeah it wasn’t my best work but still. we’ll see you next week for the finale…where there will be ‘multiple proposals!’ you mean josh to amanda which is a total duh? a nick to jen who clearly doesn’t work out (SPOILER ALERT) plus because he’s crying at the altar in the previews? or do you mean the ‘total surprise’ of either carly/evan or grant/lace, neither of which anyone expects to work out?

why am i still excited?

a

 

Bachelor in Paradise S03E08/9: A Quickie

Bachelor in Paradise S03E07: The Janner Test

picking up where we left off in our Standard I’m-About-To-Cheat Preemptive Breakup Scene, Package 4 from the Relationship Scenario Catalogue:

i: i wish that i could have talked to you about doubts i had before brett came in (actual quote) goll if there were only some way i could have done that like if we’d just had time or opportunity like jeez i dunno if we spent every minute together for a couple weeks on a beach where we’re encouraged/contractually obligated by a crew of 50 people to talk to each other about our relationship ughhhh if onlyyyyy

i: i’m so sorry but also i’m not going to do anything any differently because i’m not?

i: he’s such a good person, and i feel like a real shitty person. he deserves a lot better than what i just did. but again, remember, i’m not gonna change that; i’m only saying that.

peace out, vinny. give it a while; you’ll come out on top. promise.

JANNER IS HERE AWWW YAYYY

ugh wait now because carly and jade are besties now i’m going to have to listen to them talk about a relationship who is everyone kidding this isn’t reality nope suppress suppress

thankfully chinks in the armour are starting to show with grant and lace. why can’t ashley make it a personal mission to get in there and expand like the ice queen she is?

lace: i’m not pushing you away. i’m just physically leaning away from you because i don’t want to be near you. that is not the same.

bachelor-in-paradise-grant-lace-body-language

despite ashley’s attempts to throw them under the bus (WHEN are people going to realize this tactic does. not. work?), janner give their date card to jared & caila. jaila? caired? suggestions.

so they go on a date and his solution to any time she starts talking about anything is just to kiss her and shut her up. ah true love. also of course she’s the worst type of maker-outer. ‘i’ll sit here quietly and permit you to do things on me. that is my participation level.’ sooo fun.

ashley: [caila] just has something on me. she’s that flirty, sexy girl, and i’m just…not sexy.

bachelor-in-paradise-ashley-i-sexy

alright. alright. carly and evan are going on a date. fine. it’s come to the point that i can’t ignore it. so, because it’s carly, and i suppose evan, they get a super weird date where they go sweat in a hut with some mexicans. this hut is magic, because she is now into him. that’s as much as i can muster for now.

jen brings nick to the palmtree palapa to grill him on not kissing her ass already. i love that all it takes for these “couples” to totally break apart their “relationships” is literally 90 seconds of someone sitting them down and saying “so how you guys doin?” #powerofparadise

speaking of, now that it’s the next day, ashley finally has time to sit down with jared and point out how much more he is into caila than she is into him. are you ready for some ASHLEY TRUTHS™?

a: she is a robot, jared. valid.

a: she just likes the thought of having something televised as happily ever after. correct.

a: she is not awesome. blunt.

omg her caila impressions are SPOT ON. she is forever bach queen. bach empress.

bachelor-in-paradise-ashley-caila-impressions

he goes to talk to her a bit, and says that it’s hard when people point out the obvious how he’s more in than she is. she responds, not with words of comfort and reassurance, like someone with actual feelings would, but instantly with, “who?” #alltherightreasons

or course, because this is the focus of the conversation, not making sure he’s comforted, and also because jared is a total idiot with women, she goes to confront ashley about her accusations.

c: if you keep shit-talking me and pointing out things he’s too stupid to notice, how am i ever going to be able to manipulate him more than you?
a: yeah i don’t know if he’ll ever trust you more than he trusts me. (actual quote, actual amazing)

who-s-the-bitch-now-o

a

Bachelor in Paradise S03E07: The Janner Test

Bachelor in Paradise S03E06: I Love Lamp

ok i’m sorry these new intros

bachelor-in-paradise-jen-caila-intro

jen and caila…no, all ladies, if you’re actually attractive you don’t have to spend all your time reminding people. lighten the f up with this smolder bs you’re sharing this stage with two people who pour food on themselves. have some fun.

unless, obviously, you’re ashley.

bachelor-in-paradise-ashley-introwhat’s a queen to a god?

in which case, never lighten up even a little bit, because it’s all just amazing. hail smashley full of craze.

speaking of, whadayaknow, we open with ashley pleading to jared. thankfully, he starts to show that he has some semblance of a ball bag down there and says he’s been “as blunt as he possibly can be” about his lack of romantic intent with her. i mean, he hasn’t, at all, but maybe he means, “i won’t tell you no not now not ever like you need/deserve to hear but i will say i like someone else,” so, baby steps?

ok but the actual best thing is jared trying to have a conversation with caila, but the producers overdubbing ashley crying as they do. this is why paradise is so much better than the real show…especially now that luke’s gonna be bachelor. can we talk about that yet? i might boycott. i mean i won’t but i’ll seriously consider it and hate every minute of it. get. someone. with. a. personality.

c: it’s hard to see ashley in so much pain is what my father taught our species a human would say.

they should bring robby in for ashley. they can both decide they’re going to say the biggest/most serious love cliches instantly to each other and it’d all be over in a flash and amazing to watch.

CARLY AND EVAN ARE NOT A THING IT ISN’T HAPPENING LA LA LA LA

daniel: [since my rose is up for grabs and i’m in control] i’m gandhi. i’m gonna sit on my throne and let them come to me; feed me grapes and fine cheeses, wine, artifacts, precious golds. someone get this man a book i think he might be surprised at this particular world leader analogy he’s chosen.

sarah offers him a birthday cake and an upskirt view so she’s obviously very, very smart. take notes, ladies.

haley: i can’t compete with a cake. set that bar in the stars, love. #feminism

regardless, her attempt to compete is being peer pressured into giving him a kiss you’d give your mother.

ashley’s attempt at sticking around is to let daniel say some genuinely sweet things about how she deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her, followed by several minutes of sexual harrassment and mild propositioning. #dating #millenialove

R O S E   C E R E M O N Y

i fast forwarded until daniel’s rose because who cares. for the first time this season, i think i’m actually shocked when he gives his rose to HALEY. poor sarah. the silver lining in this is that, whether she admits it or not, she wasn’t like, into daniel. i think she’s just sad because she couldn’t find anyone there, not because she’s heartbroken, so that at least makes me feel ok for her. i’ll still miss her.

ashley, on the other hand…why do i have a feeling she won’t leave? she’s so tenacious, i just can’t imagine her getting uhp here we go she’s getting out of the sadmobile. this girl has NO SHAME I LOVE IT.

finally she admits to the group that she didn’t have an open mind when she came, but she wants another shot. i mean, this is all a really bad idea, but it definitely needs to happen, said every cast member/producer/viewer.

ok ashley’s wearing the same swimsuit leah wore in her episode NOWWW we know why leah couldn’t stay. maybe leah forgot it and ashley just found it in the bed, seemingly prior to getting a daily motivational from nick, who continues to be the real talk she/we need.

bachelor-in-paradise-nick-ashley-faith

carly: in walks this guy, i have no idea who he is, i guess he was on andi’s season…he’s hot, but i have totally forgotten his name.
[5 second pause]
c: CARL. right, ok, same as mine. she is the best evan how dare you.

whoever this carl person is, he looks old, wore cut-off jorts to the beach, related: sweats as much as josh, and will inevitably be the ultimate in the latest fuckboy technology. apparently emily is onto it.

brett: haha ok so like, remember my gag on andi’s season?
everyone: no
b: omg no it was awesome i brought her a lamp from the hotel room!!
e: um
b: like because you never…like you give a girl flowers or something you know?
e: ya
b: wellllll…..
e: well what
b: wellll so i gave her a lamp instead! LOL
e: no yeah you mentioned that
b: RIGHT omg it was hilaaaarious hahah
e: mm
b: well anyway, since it went over so well the first time, i’m gonna do it again!
e: again?
b: yeah! like i’m coming back, but to paradise, so for my introduction to you guys, i’m gonna bring a lamp!
e: …for each of us?
b: lol nooo silly geese just one hahah how would i even carry one for everybody?!
e: right, sorry for not considering the logistics behind you bring a lamp to the beach. or at all.
b: omg you guys are killing me is it just all the season’s comedians they’ve cast this time???
e: how about you take that lamp into the pool with you.

of course ok i’ve actually forgotten IZZY ok of course izzy is into him. like, very. huh. well this will get interesting. also, real subtle symbolism here, DP. “you see, he’s shown behind the lamp here, because he’s going to be overtaken by the lamp’s symbolic owner later on in the story. one may also draw comparisons between the lampshade juxtaposition and the proverbial dunce cap, for vinny is sure to be made the fool by being blindsided.” this week ghost directed by jim jarmusch.

bachelor-in-paradise-vinny-lamp

sorry brett’s pomp makes him look like bobby brown. or a combo pachycephalosaurus/parasaurolophus. or gumbi. you decide. (you’re welcome for this very strange insight into this weirdo’s knowledge base.)

bachelor-in-paradise-brett-hair

after getting the rundown on couples, he decides to forgo any decorum and ask out caila. so, to sum up, izzy is into him, so she’s going to ultimately try to get some of that, despite the fact that he asked caila on his date, even though she’s supposedly into jared, who is into her, but who is also being stalked by ashley, who wants to encourage the caila/brett thing to happen. how can you not love paradise?

before she leaves, caila’s human social training leads her to asking jared to talk before she goes out with someone else so that she doesn’t look like a bitch while actually being a bitch.

c: so this other date then
j: ya like obvs it’s whatev and tooooots your call just do what you think is right
c: for sure so then i’m gonna go because that’s what i was gonna do all along this was just a courtesy/PR stunt?
j: hahah no ok so what i actually meant by i don’t care do what you want was like i very much do care and don’t go at all but i couldn’t say that?
c: right i know but imma go anyway because i’m not finished sleeping around yet so
j: hahah omg this is sooo totally fine but please don’t go
c: ur crazy lol ok byeeee

but then, after all of that, she’s going to stay back. or no now it’s yes. then no. and i thought i’d met the best mindfuckers in the business. ok now she’s going. why do i care?

they join emily/carl on a booze cruise and it is super uncomfortable to watch, not at all like the booze cruises in college, and maybe a new type of hell for me. caila, in an actually shocking turn of events, feels guilty and realizes she made a mistake in leaving jared. don’t you do this to me, lord harrison. don’t you turn my feelings on people like this. it’s not fair. she doesn’t get redemption.

brett, having seen how easy fun emily can be on the booze cruise, decides that he’s going to just pick up the other one. that is, until, someone called ryan arrives. i really think i need to re-evaluate my look. now everyone is doing this beard/hair thing. damn it.

despite an unsuccessful attempt by jared to offload ashley onto him, he ultimately brings haley horseback riding by a stream. ok i know these are supposed to be really romantic dates and all, the things of fantasy, but i just feel like, for a first date, why would you want to spend most of the time 20 feet apart in effectively forced prolonged awkward silence?

bachelor-in-paradise-haley-ryan-date

grant: so i wanted to show you how much i care about you by doing something for you but since i can’t actually do anything how about i tell the producers to pay the hotel staff to do something for you because that’s just my level of caring: to be marginally inconvenienced for a couple minutes while hunting down the right PA
lace: aww omg tots bf material it’s just what i’ve always wanted
g: also they’re going to do it to me because i’m selfless like that
l: you really know how to make me feel special (actual quote)

g: lace is the type of girl who doesn’t know how amazing she is. (also actual quote. #feminism)

i can’t believe i have to deal with both carvan and grace this is such bullshit what did i do

so izzy and vinny have been the D-listers since the get-go, and thus perfect for each other, but now she’s gonna piss that away for brett because the pussheart wants what it wants, i guess?

i: so since caila showed up she’s been giving me relationship advice, which is why i need to break up with you because i noticed someone else that was attractive.
v: uh
i: yeah like the literal last thing i want to do is hurt you (actual quote) except for the actual last thing i want to do which is not try to get fucked by this other guy i saw
v: like
i: no i get it trust me i feel like a real POS
v: ya cuz right
i: right but obvs i’m still gonna do it because i don’t actually?
v: no right obvs.

bachelor-in-paradise-to-be-continued

a

Bachelor in Paradise S03E06: I Love Lamp

Bachelor in Paradise S03E04/5: Bass Ack-wards

gang. i am so sorry. this week has been nuts, between some insanely cool projects at work, dates, paul mccartney concerts, pool party planning…i hardly had time to watch, so this is going to be kind of a cruise-control recap. soz not soz.

we open with evan “so sorry to interrupt” bass joining jamoshda mid-CPR practice.

200

stfu he’s going to read the date card to her in front of josh

i can’t believe he’s pretending this is a real date card. he has to tell her he made it himself. oh god what if she only finds out while watching right now oh god the whole build-up and then this oh god i’m actually cringing irl send help

e: “i’ve been watching you from afar” does he hear himself say these things or

giphy4

j: “i want to focus on the important things in life,” like dabbing the grease off 70% of a cheese pizza because i’m g.d. six years old try blotting your face while you’re at it you complete tool that face.

bachelor-in-paradise-josh-pizza.gif

the evanda holyfield discussion goes as well as you could imagine, but somehow evan appears to think her flat out ‘no’ means, ‘well, maybe?’

e: “like, i wasn’t expecting a love-fest; i was expecting maybe like, a glimmer of hope…and i think i got that.” nope.
e: “maybe not now, but in the future….there was just a spark in her eyes.”

evan, you pulled her away from making out. her basement was still flooded as she’s talking to you. that’s what that ‘eye spark’ is. also, probably the crying she did for having to be near you, which she covered up by saying you were sweet.

either way, she runs back to pizza le grease trap to tell him about the other guy hitting on you, as you do when you’ve known someone for 18ish hours. talk about playing your hand, amomda.

R O S E   C E R E M O N Y

christian and daniel both try to sway sarah with their kisses, each with varying degrees of success. both were super gross, but in different ways.

brandon is confident in haley, especially after she instructs him on how to tell them apart…which he has yet to do.

her feelings about him:
bachelor-in-paradise-haley-gross

meanwhile

bachelor-in-paradise-evan-jump.gif

e: “you mind if i talk to amanda one more time?”

now that a producer told evan about andi’s book, evan’s going to try out his other signature move, which is to throw someone else under the bus under the guise of protection, hoping then that he’ll be seen as the saviour.

evan, mind’s eye:
bachelor-in-paradise-evan-amanda-white-knight

evan, to everyone else:
OpcWgO(this joke is presented exclusively to the narrow market of
combination bachelor + lord of the rings fans. you’re welcome.)

after hearing him out, she asks the girls what they think.

a: so, evan said he’s trouble?
all: the phrase no shit sherlock comes to mind.
a: but…hot?
all: no.
a: mmmmmmm…imma touch the fishy.

word gets back to josh and he attempts to confront evan about it, but the entire thing makes my skin crawl. it’s physically painful to listen to him speak. he is like a chromed tony robbins. he’s so bad that i’m ON EVAN’S SIDE. THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS. i can’t even recap it i hate all of it so much.

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ultimately, no surprise roses follow, including the attempted nail-biter in brandon’s departure. oh, and christian. carly, however, makes the stupid mistake of giving evan a rose so that he can find someone next week. it goes exactly as well as you’d expect.

c: evan definitely knows that this is definitely a platonic rose.
e: this feels amazing! i’ve got a new lease on love, and i haven’t closed the door on carly. she may have closed the door on me, but accidentally forgot to lock it, so i can maybe sneak back in.

ksfhaslccrepq4ll6swl

e: i can’t wait to tell the kids about carly!

vcauifx

oh good, caila is here. can’t wait to be annoyed af while everyone fawns over her for reasons as yet undetermined. she is really not pretty, she does not have good hair and there is WAY TOO MUCH OF IT, she is bubbly and stupid, manipulative and insane, self-absorbed and entitled…what a catch!

eventually she is into jared so they go on a date who gives a shit

this leads to jared breaking it off with emily and it’s kind of heartbreaking and pretty real and i don’t wanna talk about it YOU’RE CRYING.

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I LOVE DANIEL.

lace, to jamoshda: do you guys breathe when you kiss?

I LOVE LACE.

related: vizzy and grace go on a double date to senor frogs because why not it’s not like they’re adults

izzy: i’ve never been to a foam party because i’m mennonite or something must be?
lace: lulz oh i’ve been to tons of foam parties in fact this specific one before when i was slutting my way through high school and also college here i’ll show you how body shots work

literally drunk lace is my life blood i can’t get enough i would marry her mean mug.

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because they feel dejected, sarah and carly decide to have daniel and evan up to their treehouse “apartment” for a wine and drinking double date. would be super cute, and 75% is, except that carly is an idiot and evan is obviously not going to misinterpret this at all nope no way. though, sidebar, she keeps calling him her ex-bf, after having gone on ONE DATE and having kissed him literally twice, one of which made her ladybits shrivel up like so many witches socks in the wizard of oz, and the other being in front of hundreds of people with your mouth numb from peppers oh and also you threw up afterwards. so. maybe she’s just as delusional as he is?

either way, he gets “too drunk,” which to me sounds like he had THREE WHOLE GLASSES of wine because that would absolutely be the type of person he is, which shockingly leads to exactly zero health problems, despite the flurry of medics. he then parlays this into forcing carly to make out with him i can’t why is this happening i don’t understand anything about this.

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N I G H T   T W O

ASHLEY CRI IS BAAAAACK RIP JARED’S HAPPINESSSSSS

she spends the majority of this episode/her life trying to downplay it as if it’s zomg liek sewwww cazhual jared who lol but she is THE ACTUAL THIRSTIEST.

immediately she talks to jared, and finds out he’s nailing caila now. naila? no nevermind forget that.

my favorite part is listening to her “yeah….yeah…yeah…yeah” while people tell her things she doesn’t want to hear.

oh btw she’s given herself “three cries during paradise” and in case you were counting it was under 4 minutes before the first one so. also, they’ve resurrected the clare-talks-to-raccoons joke with ashley, but this time, it’s a parrot. wrong ashley, idiots.

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a: they’re gonna make you a raccoon, you know. most self-aware thing ever i love the fourth wall break.

next she confronts caila, who apparently told her she wasn’t into jared and wasn’t coming at all, but was now, you know, definitely doing those.

a: so what happened to the whole, ‘he’s so not your type?’
c: i talked to him and he was boring enough to not confuse me and also his tongue was immediately up inside of my anus so i don’t have to work at all soz

a: i hate her. she’s a backstabbing whore of a person. oh crash i’ve missed you and your melodrama.

anyway jared is like so listen just you know go out with someone other than me i beg you, so she asks daniel on a date. on said date, he finds out she’s a virgin, so he is in.to.it.  RIP sarah.

oh then jen shows up and is actually pretty but a total moron and real slutty so whatever she takes nick out and that’ll go well for him because he would fall in love with a chair at this point which means she’ll leave him in a week or two.

evan “the biggest little bitch in the world” bass tricks carly into going to the hospital  with him because he slept in a weird position so now his leg hair hurts or some other pussy-ass slight inconvenience of an ailment. while there, we learn that both he used to be an EMT (sorry that’s like, basically full med school, you don’t just like eh maybe i won’t do that anymore. i bet he had his medical license revoked.)

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and that carly is way more desperate than i thought. i’m for sure refusing to acknowledge that this is even happening he is such a loser and i have too much respect for her (read: my character judgment) to allow it to be an actual real life thing.

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anyway ashley cries more and slips deeper into her delusions about jared despite nick flat out giving her the tough love jared should have the common decency to do or have done a million and a half years ago rather than stringing her on like this blah blah that’s really all that happens since they put off the rose ceremony until next week so see you then don’t judge me byeeeeeeee.

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Bachelor in Paradise S03E04/5: Bass Ack-wards

Bachelor in Paradise S03E03: Ev-ry Frickin’ Option

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i’ve gotta be real honest. i am 0% interested in anything having to do with jamoshda, their relation to nick, etc. they keep trying to make me care, and i just real don’t. when something interesting happens with it, i’ll cover it, but other than that, let’s all pretend it’s not there. we can, however, take a moment to fluff my ego for that brills portmanteau. it’s equal parts toe-stub curse word/sneeze onomatopoeia; all disgusting. send me emails about it. use it to rile your dog up. pretend it’s the arabic name for whatever ‘meal’ you accidentally made while inexplicably fucking up shakshouka. and now i’m hungry.

daniel sits down with sarah on the connection cabana to tell her she’s attracted to him. sarah, the sweet summer flower, is like yeah ok so you’re super weird but i’m into that. i’m really liking this side of daniel, and they’re cute when they’re together, so i really hope this works out that she brings more of this out in him, all while he keeps her entertained with his supreme lunacy.

christian now enters the fray, and he liked one of my tweets (literally one of the only people to do so), so he’s cool with me. i even don’t mind that much that he brings sarah to the connection cabana reprise to employ his date card on her. more to come on that. edit: nah don’t care the date was fine that’s all.

however, the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of carly and uncle evvy. vinny has drawn the producer’s short straw and is forced to listen to evan giggle like a pubescent girl about their zomg perf date, while carly tries her best to help everyone understand how it felt to be helplessly molested by evan, in front of hundreds of people, on camera, and under the omniscient gaze of our lord [harrison]. come on, dear…how could you be uninterested in someone who brags about having a plaque for having kissed you?

regardless, she pulls him aside (to a different cabana….which now that i look at it, seems to be the one where break-ups happen. i wonder if this is where kirk broke up with her? perhaps some poetic justice on this, the cleaving cabana; the devastation daybed.) to let him down easy. she starts by thanking him for taking such good care of her last night while she was throwing up from the peppers/needing to purge her body of his dna with a swiftness (read: taking her cold packs off of her and pressing his hot body against her while she was recovering).

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however, she somehow blindsides him with the news that she’s dry like dubai for his meat taste.

actual footage of evan on the way back to his room:

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next to enter the arena is brandon or something? no one knows him. LH doesn’t even know him. the only person who has any idea of who he might be is carly, both because he might know her brother, and because she will go for literally anything with a penis other than evan right now.

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as is tradition, he arrives with a date card, and pulls both carly and haley away to see which to bring. he picks haley.

bachelor-in-paradise-carly-brandon-boocall on meeeeeeeeeee, caaaarly!

call-on-me-ofun fact: i once lost a beer pong game and had to do a strip tease for the girls to this coreography. which i knew. entirely. #college #thankgodfornocameraphones

i was going to make an independent section for the nick/leah date, but honest to LH, i know i’ve said people are boring before, but jorge harrison chris. this is painful. thank god the twins are there to add some entertainment, in the form of switching places during the date, which he doesn’t realize, despite saying he definitely could. i sincerely hope he doesn’t last, if only because i can’t come up with a good boredom+brandon other than brandom or bordon. borndon? boredon? they all sound like i’m having a stroke. which i might, if i have to watch more of him.

related: drunk emily is my favorite thing. how can we get drunk emily & drunk lace to be the new kathy lee & hoda? i mean, this is one beer emily. her drunk eyes.

e: haley is going on a date…my best friend is practically engaged, and i’m happy with a guy [jared? it’s going well?]…i’ve never been happier.

e: [to izzy] you look good. i’m not gonna lie. i’m just gonna throw that out there.
i: thanks…you did say you get super horny when you’re drunk.

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h: she definitely wants to make out with amanda when she’s drunk.
e: well i’m not gonna fuck jorge!

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i: can we put your hair in those braids now?

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e: [crying] do you think jared likes me? i’m glad he’s not here. i don’t want him to see me like this.
<enter jared>

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e: [still crying]…i didn’t mean to get like this i’m sorryyyy!

best. ever.

once sarah and christian come back from their date, which was fine, and before the rose ceremony, daniel brings her to the connection cabana for a little champagne and strawberry action. it’s always fun to date, but it’s always more fun to stay in; good move, daniel. also a good move: revealing this super honest, real side to him, basically opening up to her and saying he knows he’s different, but he loves that she makes him feel like that’s his best quality. ok i’m legit into this now. who knew he had this under the surface? i out loud awwed at the tv.

s: it was a great date, today, but i would be lying if i didn’t say that several times i was like, this would be so much more fun with daniel.

OUT LOUD AWWING AT MY BLOG.

s: do i give my rose to the guy that is probably a match made in heaven for me, or the guy that is a little peculiar but piques my interest and makes me laugh?

PIQUE! PECULIAR!

sidebar it makes me physically uncomfortable how most of the time, when the women talk about giving people their roses, it sounds like they’re christian high school horse lovers talking about giving away their flower after prom.

then, just as you were feeling all warm and fuzzy, high on hopes of super cute love…enter evan. i could have said evan enters. you’re welcome. apparently, he’s decided that “watching josh and amanda making out all day” is neither perverse, voyeuristic, or even just gross, of which it’s all of the above. particularly the lattermost.

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actual footage of evan getting over carly before moving on to amanda:

tumblr_lsua9x6rrw1qh8gzfo1_500seriously just watch slackers if you’re not getting these references.
can’t-hardly-wait-level worth it.

e: amanda is the one i should have gone after. nope. that is not correct.

e: she’s intimidating…i was just scared to talk to her. but evan, you’re so cool.

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e: you pursue every freakin’ option. you see where that takes you. home, is the answer i’ll save you the trouble of finding for yourself. rejected, dejected, ejected. WHERE IS MY PEABODY.

also, is he wearing versace blue jeans? even the 2004 d-bags that bathed in that haven’t worn it since. no YOU wore it but sparingly I DIDN’T EVEN FINISH MY BOTTLE SHUT UP.

e: i know she’s with josh right now, but i wanna do something that’s like hey, here i am, maybe there’s something inside you that says ‘i really like this guy.’ ok the general precursor to this type of gesture is a history of attracti–y’know, i’ll lower that bar…a passing familiarity. but, also, please do this immediately i can’t wait to watch it.

e: i’m going to write a date card for amanda GUYS STFU go and give it to her and steal her away…see if there’s a chance that potentially she would be open to something with me. GANG GET OUT HE’S GOING TO GIVE THIS TO HER GET THE F OUT

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e: writing down ‘evan you deserve love’ is the hardest thing i’ve done in a long time, but that was the revelation…that was the key tonight. when i decided to write [that], something flipped inside of me. it became confidence, it became strength, it became ‘evan, you’re frickin’….[chuck, wait i mean] evan bass.’ you got this.

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HOW AM I EVEN ALIVE RIGHT NOW HE’S SET UP LOBSTER TAILS AND IS NOW APPROACHING THE PRESENTLY SUTURED JAMOSHDA WITH TWO GLASSES OF WHITE WINE I MIGHT BE HAVING AN ANXIETY ORGASM WATCHING THIS

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L O R D   H A R R I S O N   Y O U   B I T C H

ok. alright. i’m off to see my cardiologist, if you’ll excuse me.

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Bachelor in Paradise S03E03: Ev-ry Frickin’ Option

Bachelor in Paradise S03E02: Bye Feleah

gang. seriously. two nights a week. four hours. i did meal prep for this. i had to buy an additional wine rack. i’m just….so happy.

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we pick up where we left off, basically with chad telling lord harrison to suck it. unfortunately, but expectedly, he leaves without incident, and spends the majority of his time rambling in the limo.

c: i can’t ever be the bachelor…what am i gonna do after this?! well, you’ve got “money and muscles,” so, you know…probably nothin.

c: they were all vibing me until they realized they weren’t supposed to be…vibin’ my meat taste. brb stealing that catch phrase.

c: damn it…do you know how many people i gotta kill? real talk, we’ll miss you, chad…if only for shit like that.

with his untimely departure, there is now an imbalance of power, and thus an additional girl must be brought in to fill the void of chad.

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enter leah, or as emily puts it best:

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she has had SO much work done; clearly trying to go for the kylie look…for what reason, i’m not sure. there are no WIC card carriers in paradise of which i’m aware, so i think she’s using the wrong bait here, but we’ll see. either way, to sum up, she looks like dumpster trash, and i have equally high hopes for her.

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to that end, she came to meet chad. #alltherightreasons. once she’s informed he’s no longer available, she swiftly makes the rounds until deciding to ask nick on her date. amomda spends the next hour pouting about it. at least nick is realistic about it/in it for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS™.

n: just in fairness alone, i’d like to get to know leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint. ok actually maybe stealing that one too.

quick aside:

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what even is this show?

resuming the action, the new and improved lace is sitting at the bar alone, lamenting to jorge about how she thinks chad messed up her chances here. eventually, after trying to get vinny to do it for her, she nuts up and goes to sleep her way to a rose with benjachin frankchin. i’m opting not to write about this any further because i plan on both liking her and keeping my food down.

nick and kyleah’s date is boring af, she’s classless trash, but thinks she’s got nick locked down.

l: <wave hits> my whole pussy’s soaking. hi mom!

btw did you know amomda is a mom?  well we needed to spend several minutes of our life watching a facetime convo with them, just in case you’d somehow forgotten that this is her identity.

once she’s finished with that and ready to return to whining about nick being gone with kyleah, they return, so she can be happy again! yay!  exceeeept that, because LH’s lust for suffering can never be satiated, he’s elected to bestow upon nick a date card, thereby forcing him to choose one of them. in front of the other. immediately.

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of course, the move here is to pick amomda, which he does, because he’d literally just got back from having an afternoon with kyleah. yes, if it’d gone super awesome he would want to keep the night going, but since he has a connection with (and is actually interested in) amomda, and in the interest of fairness, that’s the clear choice.

also why she’s a clear choice: kyleah supposes she’ll “go home now because amanda is fire, so…oy.” 25 years old.

of course then, to try to get in amomda’s head before her date, she heads up to her room, where she proceeds to hurl various psych-outs at her.

l: i have the same bronzer, same pallate, like, stop trying to be me, amanda!

l: we look similar. we have very similar looks.

twins: 

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i love them. they should get a spin-off. a spin off this dick!

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wait i mean ON!

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flirting!

business

the nickamomda date is like watching two middle schoolers at steak ‘n shake, which isn’t concerning at all, since one of them is a full-blown mother, and the other rounds up to 40 years old.

n: you have kind of that, fire, that edge.
a: ok.

eventually they make out while leah bitches.

back at the house, sarah has realized that she needs to get her ass in gear if she’s supposed to stick around until next week. for inexplicable reasons, she’s decided that vinny is the easiest target, so she decides to set her sights on that. not sure this is the best plan, sweetie. it’s week one, and the girl you’re up against (literally i’ve forgotten her name) is way sluttier than you will be (thankfully), so she’s obviously going to win out with someone like vinny.

…more of note, apparently now carly and evan are going to try to be a thing. i refuse to accept this as a possibility. i mean

c: i want a man to be a man.

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carly. no. NO. GOD. WHY ARE YOU KISSING HIM

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evan’s summation, as he lays on his bed, gently caressing his stomach:

e: i just want to kiss her some more, and some more. it was butterflies and explosions…it was perfect.

…then, thank god…carly, i love you.

c: that kiss was so terrible. i don’t understand how this man has two children.

during the rose ceremony, sarah pulls vinny away to secure herself a rose, presumably so she can meet someone else in the coming weeks. he kisses her, and i feel bad for her, because this is what seems to happen to her. she seems to be actually kind of into him, since he’s being kind and sweet to her, and she can’t see beyond that, which is that he’s going to turn around and go for the trashier one, which he does, when she comes to steal him and he kisses her immediately, just after making moves on sarah.

kyleah, having not really gotten the clue so far, still feels like she needs to secure nick’s rose, so she pulls him away to sexually suggest until he commits. thankfully, he shoots her down, saying almost literally nah that’s ok, basically the idea of someone else’s two kids and their basic only-looks-to-the-table mother is more appealing than feigning it for a night with you so pass, which surprisingly doesn’t please her. or does it? i can’t tell her face won’t move.

moving on to her second choice, she basically attempts to proposition daniel, which, if she’d tried to get to know him better before this, she would have known it’d go over as well as it did.

l: i have a lot of layers.
d: oh, like an onion.
l: like an onion.
d: are you gonna make me cry, though?
l: no!
d: ok, you’re not like an onion, then.
l: i-i have layers, like an onion, but i, you, i might cry, because i’m the onion, um…
d: so you’re like an orange. with one layer.
l:

i don’t even need to make anything up. other than we need a better psych-major than i [read: actual] to give us some kind of evaluation on why everyone daniel knows has to be a bird or produce.

R O S E   C E R E M O N Y

rose matchups are as follows:

  • lace/jackie chin
  • nick/amomda
  • evan/carly (he says “i just want to know if you’ll accept this rose and see what happens from here.” barf.)
  • jared/EMILY +1 (LATERS JUBES)
  • vinny/izzy (poor sarah…)

until..

  • …daniel/sarah!

 

<i tried very hard to find an “i love you daniel!” gif from ‘the other sister,’ but i couldn’t…since apparently it doesn’t occur in the movie. for which i found the script and looked. while watching simultaneously any occurrence of ‘love’ and ‘daniel.’ pretend it’s here. or don’t.>

d: these guys saved the best for last.

AWWWWWW. you better not break her heart, buddy.

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anyway, jubes sulks her way out of my life (hopefully for good), and kyleah starts out by calling this whole thing a ‘joke’ (um duh), but eventually that mask shatters and she sobs her embarrassment out. bye byleah.

so now josh murray shows up, and he has a goatee.

thankfully, his forehead sweat doesn’t drip and affect the legibility of his date card, which is ultimately offered to amanda. this seems to be the drama he wants to start, since he was picked over nick during their season, but honestly i’m not privy to the whole deal since i wasn’t watching at that point, so a lot of this is lost on me.

what isn’t lost on me, however, is that his goatee is not only on his face, but on his personality. he speaks like every slime bucket athlete/business owner/salesman with imbalanced levels of self-confidence, perspective, and humility. yes he’s good looking, but i can’t understand anybody falling for him as a person, unless you’re really just that shallow, or have that little self-worth to keep everything surface level, refusing to look inside yourself or that other person any further than that.

actual photo of his self-presentation to paradise:

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anyway, they continue on this date, which i didn’t pay attention to, and all anybody could talk about was the conflict between him and nick, etc. my guess is that this will be the cliffhanger for this week, but until it gets a lot more interesting, i’m over it.

what i am NOT over, to i’m sure everyone’s surprise, is the evan and carly thing. normally, i’d be completely grossed out and judgmental, except that she’s so adamant about how little she enjoys anything about him anymore, so everything that happens between them just endears her more to me.

c: my brothers told me to stop dating men that are effeminate. my first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend…….and here we are again.

c: EVAN GIVES ME ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. OMG MARRY ME. 

once again, continuing his harvest and leaving no soul to fallow, lord harrison grants uncle evan a date card so that we might bear witness to the hilariousness of her suffering, amen.

e: i am so excited!
c:
i’ve never not wanted to go on a date more in my life.

c: i’m not feeling any tingles, i’m not feeling any anything. i hate everything that’s happening here right now. (as hilarious as this is, i’m really hoping no one has ever thought these things about me.)

of course, you’d think that’d be enough. make her get his hopes up by going on a date with him, but ultimately getting the privacy to discuss how she’s just not feeling it.

oh you sweet summer child. that’s not how this works.

instead, you’ll be kissing evan, in front of an audience, and after eating a habanero pepper, for a minimum of 90 seconds, in order to set a world record…but actually exclusively for our enjoyment. i love when he asks her “so should we change or something?” and he goes to get ready, and she literally leaves everything exactly the same as she had it.

e: she’s amazing. i’m so excited about this.
c: i’m not excited about this right now. no part of me is excited; every part of me is unexcited.

c: WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE FUCKED UP SHITTY DATES

guys i can’t.

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LH’s face. her hand. his hand. the judge. his gall. i just can’t.

c: i think i’d rather be broken up with again than do this.

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e: my mouth is on fire, and i’m not sure if it’s more from the pepper or carly.

c: just to set the record straight, i threw up not just from the pepper.  from the kiss.

i could make an entire post that was just gifs of her reactions to everything. glorious television.

basically the only things that happen afterwards are jared continuing to be oblivious to any hint or signal (which legit might be his whole game, but if so, it’s way too convincing), and then josh comes back and is exactly everything i thought he’d be, on top of which, i have to pile on additional resentment for forcing me to take sympathy for nick. it is NOT ok.

stay tuned for tonight where hopefully there is either more cool ethan (see reference below) assaulting carly or she confronts him or anything omg i love this please never end.

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Bachelor in Paradise S03E02: Bye Feleah