so legit i am 100000% busy this week/end, and in fact, haven’t even seen the finale yet, and i’m honestly not sure when i will. though, to be fair, it’s no surprise any more what happens, since three of the couples were definitely getting engaged, and the one that isn’t is going to be the next bachelor. i may do a recap at some point, i may not. for now, however, just imagine me watching and having this reaction to everything on the screen.
until next time, whenever that is.
xo a
so many apologies, gang. life’s been crazy this week, so this will be a little hurried, but i’ll do my best.
first things first: i’m into it. now, if i’d written this blog during kaitlyn’s season, y’all would have had QUITE a bit of ammo with which to make me eat my words with a statement like that (please do not revisit our gchat convo logs, you know who you are), or even scanning back through this season. i took (and still partially take) great offense to what is regrettably probably my closest/most often noted comparison on here. but i’m totally down. yes, he has been known to be the biggest, whiniest puss of all of the whiny pusses in all of the land. yes, he now has a super weird and confusing head/body combo, attractiveness-wise. yes, his hair looks like i pulled it out of my shower drain. yes, listening to him speak keeps me on the edge of my seat, because i swear to god one of these days he’s going to let out a whistle with one of his s-syllables and i’m going to LOSE IT.
however.
he really seems to have turned it around this season. perhaps he’s been broken enough that he was able to rebuild. it’s no question he has been spitting the most truth of everyone in paradise thus far, and has shown an abundance of personality, and even the glimmer of a sense of humor. and perhaps most importantly, he can hold a full conversation, complete with original contributions, which is more than can be said of either luke or [god forbid] chase. perhaps nick, like yours truly, only gets better with age. i’m kind of excited to find out.
now. on to the big show.
—
we resume the ashley manipulation-fest where she says some stuff probably i was really just looking at her boobs trying to see if she was wearing pasties right now until she decides to blame her dog’s health (most specifically, the lack of it at all) for her troubles.
a: i know that the spirit of my dog lucy…mmmmmmm…is gonna help me on this journey! i feel like i don’t even need to provide additional comment.
emmy. award. immediately.
DOGGOD provides wells as the answer to her prayers for a man. what a POS god.
everyone literally pleads with him to take her on a date, upon announcement of which they are awarded thunderous applause. their date is cute, but only mostly because it consists of three of my favorite things in the entire world: tacos, the talking heads, and dogs. oh, and gorgeous, manipulative women. four of my favorite things.
—
this grant/lace fight takes way too long and both of them are idiots through the whole thing so i’ll just provide my quick sum-up.
dear lace: stop poking holes in a good thing because you’re scared of getting real feelings for someone you fucking child.
dear grant: telling someone that they disrespected you and that they need to respect you is not how someone respected gets it.
they make up or whatever.
—
nick and amanda are going to go fuck to bed. there is apparently only one place where that can happen(?), and to no one’s surprise, jamoshda have all but made this fuck fortress their home. however, amanda (who is one half of jamoshda, in case that isn’t made clear in what follows)(and actually she’s the woman so if josh has half a brain she is all of jamoshda, as far as he’s concerned) offers their hopefully clean sheeted bed to jenick nen for the night, since she’s going to go to bed. which she does. heavily.
on their sherpa-less trek to up mount neverest, in the hi-imma-lay-ya’s (HONESTLY. MY PULITZER. ANY DAY NOW.), they’re halted by cave troll josh, who tells them they’re not allowed to cross his bridge, since he’s planning on doing sex to amanda there. actual footage:
j: nah amanda and i are sleeping up there tonight.
j: ok she told us we could, that’s the only reason [we were going up there].
j: nah. we’re sleeping up there. just lettin’ y’all know.
j: where is she?
j: she’ll be down here soon.
j: well why would she tell me that?
j: i dunno, but i put a fan up there to keep it up there for us. but thank you though.
yeah jen, you total moron, don’t you know the fan rule? god i hate him so much.
then, after saying those total facts, he has to go make sure they’re true, so he goes to find amanda, who is totally 1000% zonked. he then, being the brain-trust he is, decides his best course of action is to WAKE HER UP. JOSH. what is your ever-loving problem. the absolute only time you ever wake a woman up is if it’s literally life-threatening, and you’ve already made sure you can’t get her out without waking her up. but no, not super josh. his plan is to wake her up, tell her what’s happening, and then pick a passive aggressive fight with her when he doesn’t get his way.
what a catch, america. i hope every one of you out there who is into him in any capacity feels really good about yourself.
—
R O S E C E R E M O N Y
—
honestly this is all so boring i can’t stand it so the highlights are that evan blows a kiss to carly and i POSITIVELY WRETCH ALL OVER THE ENTIRE WORLD.
god i feel violated every time he does anything.
then the normal everyone gets roses until the twins decide that they’re gonna duck out, which makes me/them/all very sad. i think they thought i’d be pretty light duty and they could hold out and develop something at their own pace, but they saw some pretty strong shit happening around them and got down on themselves. we still luh u.
before they leave, though, they have to tell amanda, because she is too stupid to figure it out, that josh is clinically psychopathic. amanda acts like it’s the first time she’s even considered that the fact that literally every word anyone other than josh has said to her has been “don’t” might be correct?
seeing his grip on her slipping, josh decides to go see what’s up.
j: what’s wrong?
a: i don’t really want to talk about it.
j: ok well let’s go over here and talk about it.
a: i just don’t even want to talk about it.
j: ok, i’m really confused, though. what’s up.
a: fine, i’ll talk about it.
almost verbatim what happened. how do people not realize when this is happening to them? i’m getting real beyond the point of feeling oh so sawwy fow poow widdle amomda. grow up or get what you deserve.
what follows is a bunch of josh taking the high ground by getting in everyone’s face and yelling at them for damaging his character and his relationship. i’ll let the irony of that stand on it’s own. choicest line:
j, to n: you’d better hope everything’s good with amanda and me.
how about, josh, not only do you very not get to inform me what i’d better hope, as if i give any shit about you or your well-being in even the faintest capacity, and with particular respect to your relationship with someone else(??) but also, if someone else saying, ‘mm i dunno’ about you is enough for someone to call it with you, there are much larger issues at stake here…none of which involve me. in conclusion, hey go suck a dick.
ultimately amanda is like “mm but hot tho so” and like so many women before, just keeps on keepin’ on under the guise of self-empowerment. lovely.
—
so now jami shows up and she’s very cute and her hair is a great length but horrendous and she and wells go on a date and it’s booooring but the big story here is that ashley is super chill about the whole thing, even though she likes him, and even though they clearly had a way better time, and whatever super uninteresting let’s move on.
—
to wrap things up, ashley ups the ante with regards to her manipulation of caila, in flat out telling her she should go home. real talk she was a total bitch through all of this, and not even so much in her usual regal manner. but apparently, because caila just really likes jared, as you’ll remember her informing us, that’s all it takes for her to say yah ok, so she packs up everything and gets it all loaded up before finding jared and being like oh so btw i’m outtie l8rs babe.
but in the most forced and scripted romantic gesture yet, he “runs” (read: slightly jogs) after her leaving SUV (read: they were in idle down a dirt road for 15 yards then stopped so he could catch up), and jumps in without any of his things, which he’ll need to turn around and go get please, driver. no one felt anything during this entire sequence, including all viewers and participants. 0% chance the two most boring people have a successfully boring relationship longer than a few weeks outside of this.
—
LAUREN H SHOWS UP! awww yay. she’s a fellow michigander, is in GR all the time, and will forever be enshrined in my heart/the BACHELOR HALL OF REALNESS™ for her early morning interview, after being awoken by ben (at 4:20am lol blaze it he was SO FUNNY GUYS).
along with her arrives shushanna, the russian girl who refused to speak to ben in english…ever? ashley calls her eurotrash, which is inappropriate because russia is in asia, but is actually totally appropriate because it and eastern europe are the same f-ing thing who are you kidding. also, she may be the first bach contestant to arrive with a tongue piercing, which is totally fine, you can be a great person with a tongue piercing. you just don’t get to not be trashy, too. i don’t write the rules.
anyway, she asks wells on her half of a double date with lauren, which means ashley and jami can bond over “feelings.” lauren asks ben because she’s into tan men in their early 30’s with great hair and a better beard and vinny/america lets out a smug chuckle at izzy’s suffering.
anyway they go surfing and take lessons from kunu and i just really wish i was watching forgetting sarah marshall instead of this stupid date. still luh u lauren call me.
do less.
—
jamoshda goes on a date.
—
ok i didn’t do so badly! yeah it wasn’t my best work but still. we’ll see you next week for the finale…where there will be ‘multiple proposals!’ you mean josh to amanda which is a total duh? a nick to jen who clearly doesn’t work out (SPOILER ALERT) plus because he’s crying at the altar in the previews? or do you mean the ‘total surprise’ of either carly/evan or grant/lace, neither of which anyone expects to work out?
why am i still excited?
a
picking up where we left off in our Standard I’m-About-To-Cheat Preemptive Breakup Scene, Package 4 from the Relationship Scenario Catalogue:
i: i wish that i could have talked to you about doubts i had before brett came in (actual quote) goll if there were only some way i could have done that like if we’d just had time or opportunity like jeez i dunno if we spent every minute together for a couple weeks on a beach where we’re encouraged/contractually obligated by a crew of 50 people to talk to each other about our relationship ughhhh if onlyyyyy
i: i’m so sorry but also i’m not going to do anything any differently because i’m not?
i: he’s such a good person, and i feel like a real shitty person. he deserves a lot better than what i just did. but again, remember, i’m not gonna change that; i’m only saying that.
peace out, vinny. give it a while; you’ll come out on top. promise.
—
JANNER IS HERE AWWW YAYYY
ugh wait now because carly and jade are besties now i’m going to have to listen to them talk about a relationship who is everyone kidding this isn’t reality nope suppress suppress
thankfully chinks in the armour are starting to show with grant and lace. why can’t ashley make it a personal mission to get in there and expand like the ice queen she is?
lace: i’m not pushing you away. i’m just physically leaning away from you because i don’t want to be near you. that is not the same.
despite ashley’s attempts to throw them under the bus (WHEN are people going to realize this tactic does. not. work?), janner give their date card to jared & caila. jaila? caired? suggestions.
so they go on a date and his solution to any time she starts talking about anything is just to kiss her and shut her up. ah true love. also of course she’s the worst type of maker-outer. ‘i’ll sit here quietly and permit you to do things on me. that is my participation level.’ sooo fun.
ashley: [caila] just has something on me. she’s that flirty, sexy girl, and i’m just…not sexy.
—
alright. alright. carly and evan are going on a date. fine. it’s come to the point that i can’t ignore it. so, because it’s carly, and i suppose evan, they get a super weird date where they go sweat in a hut with some mexicans. this hut is magic, because she is now into him. that’s as much as i can muster for now.
—
jen brings nick to the palmtree palapa to grill him on not kissing her ass already. i love that all it takes for these “couples” to totally break apart their “relationships” is literally 90 seconds of someone sitting them down and saying “so how you guys doin?” #powerofparadise
speaking of, now that it’s the next day, ashley finally has time to sit down with jared and point out how much more he is into caila than she is into him. are you ready for some ASHLEY TRUTHS™?
a: she is a robot, jared. valid.
a: she just likes the thought of having something televised as happily ever after. correct.
a: she is not awesome. blunt.
omg her caila impressions are SPOT ON. she is forever bach queen. bach empress.
he goes to talk to her a bit, and says that it’s hard when people point out the obvious how he’s more in than she is. she responds, not with words of comfort and reassurance, like someone with actual feelings would, but instantly with, “who?” #alltherightreasons
or course, because this is the focus of the conversation, not making sure he’s comforted, and also because jared is a total idiot with women, she goes to confront ashley about her accusations.
c: if you keep shit-talking me and pointing out things he’s too stupid to notice, how am i ever going to be able to manipulate him more than you?
a: yeah i don’t know if he’ll ever trust you more than he trusts me. (actual quote, actual amazing)
a
ok i’m sorry these new intros
jen and caila…no, all ladies, if you’re actually attractive you don’t have to spend all your time reminding people. lighten the f up with this smolder bs you’re sharing this stage with two people who pour food on themselves. have some fun.
unless, obviously, you’re ashley.
what’s a queen to a god?
in which case, never lighten up even a little bit, because it’s all just amazing. hail smashley full of craze.
speaking of, whadayaknow, we open with ashley pleading to jared. thankfully, he starts to show that he has some semblance of a ball bag down there and says he’s been “as blunt as he possibly can be” about his lack of romantic intent with her. i mean, he hasn’t, at all, but maybe he means, “i won’t tell you no not now not ever like you need/deserve to hear but i will say i like someone else,” so, baby steps?
ok but the actual best thing is jared trying to have a conversation with caila, but the producers overdubbing ashley crying as they do. this is why paradise is so much better than the real show…especially now that luke’s gonna be bachelor. can we talk about that yet? i might boycott. i mean i won’t but i’ll seriously consider it and hate every minute of it. get. someone. with. a. personality.
c: it’s hard to see ashley in so much pain is what my father taught our species a human would say.
they should bring robby in for ashley. they can both decide they’re going to say the biggest/most serious love cliches instantly to each other and it’d all be over in a flash and amazing to watch.
—
CARLY AND EVAN ARE NOT A THING IT ISN’T HAPPENING LA LA LA LA
—
daniel: [since my rose is up for grabs and i’m in control] i’m gandhi. i’m gonna sit on my throne and let them come to me; feed me grapes and fine cheeses, wine, artifacts, precious golds. someone get this man a book i think he might be surprised at this particular world leader analogy he’s chosen.
sarah offers him a birthday cake and an upskirt view so she’s obviously very, very smart. take notes, ladies.
haley: i can’t compete with a cake. set that bar in the stars, love. #feminism
regardless, her attempt to compete is being peer pressured into giving him a kiss you’d give your mother.
ashley’s attempt at sticking around is to let daniel say some genuinely sweet things about how she deserves to be with someone who wants to be with her, followed by several minutes of sexual harrassment and mild propositioning. #dating #millenialove
—
R O S E C E R E M O N Y
—
i fast forwarded until daniel’s rose because who cares. for the first time this season, i think i’m actually shocked when he gives his rose to HALEY. poor sarah. the silver lining in this is that, whether she admits it or not, she wasn’t like, into daniel. i think she’s just sad because she couldn’t find anyone there, not because she’s heartbroken, so that at least makes me feel ok for her. i’ll still miss her.
ashley, on the other hand…why do i have a feeling she won’t leave? she’s so tenacious, i just can’t imagine her getting uhp here we go she’s getting out of the sadmobile. this girl has NO SHAME I LOVE IT.
finally she admits to the group that she didn’t have an open mind when she came, but she wants another shot. i mean, this is all a really bad idea, but it definitely needs to happen, said every cast member/producer/viewer.
—
ok ashley’s wearing the same swimsuit leah wore in her episode NOWWW we know why leah couldn’t stay. maybe leah forgot it and ashley just found it in the bed, seemingly prior to getting a daily motivational from nick, who continues to be the real talk she/we need.
—
carly: in walks this guy, i have no idea who he is, i guess he was on andi’s season…he’s hot, but i have totally forgotten his name.
[5 second pause]
c: CARL. right, ok, same as mine. she is the best evan how dare you.
whoever this carl person is, he looks old, wore cut-off jorts to the beach, related: sweats as much as josh, and will inevitably be the ultimate in the latest fuckboy technology. apparently emily is onto it.
—
brett: haha ok so like, remember my gag on andi’s season?
everyone: no
b: omg no it was awesome i brought her a lamp from the hotel room!!
e: um
b: like because you never…like you give a girl flowers or something you know?
e: ya
b: wellllll…..
e: well what
b: wellll so i gave her a lamp instead! LOL
e: no yeah you mentioned that
b: RIGHT omg it was hilaaaarious hahah
e: mm
b: well anyway, since it went over so well the first time, i’m gonna do it again!
e: again?
b: yeah! like i’m coming back, but to paradise, so for my introduction to you guys, i’m gonna bring a lamp!
e: …for each of us?
b: lol nooo silly geese just one hahah how would i even carry one for everybody?!
e: right, sorry for not considering the logistics behind you bring a lamp to the beach. or at all.
b: omg you guys are killing me is it just all the season’s comedians they’ve cast this time???
e: how about you take that lamp into the pool with you.
of course ok i’ve actually forgotten IZZY ok of course izzy is into him. like, very. huh. well this will get interesting. also, real subtle symbolism here, DP. “you see, he’s shown behind the lamp here, because he’s going to be overtaken by the lamp’s symbolic owner later on in the story. one may also draw comparisons between the lampshade juxtaposition and the proverbial dunce cap, for vinny is sure to be made the fool by being blindsided.” this week ghost directed by jim jarmusch.
sorry brett’s pomp makes him look like bobby brown. or a combo pachycephalosaurus/parasaurolophus. or gumbi. you decide. (you’re welcome for this very strange insight into this weirdo’s knowledge base.)
after getting the rundown on couples, he decides to forgo any decorum and ask out caila. so, to sum up, izzy is into him, so she’s going to ultimately try to get some of that, despite the fact that he asked caila on his date, even though she’s supposedly into jared, who is into her, but who is also being stalked by ashley, who wants to encourage the caila/brett thing to happen. how can you not love paradise?
before she leaves, caila’s human social training leads her to asking jared to talk before she goes out with someone else so that she doesn’t look like a bitch while actually being a bitch.
c: so this other date then
j: ya like obvs it’s whatev and tooooots your call just do what you think is right
c: for sure so then i’m gonna go because that’s what i was gonna do all along this was just a courtesy/PR stunt?
j: hahah no ok so what i actually meant by i don’t care do what you want was like i very much do care and don’t go at all but i couldn’t say that?
c: right i know but imma go anyway because i’m not finished sleeping around yet so
j: hahah omg this is sooo totally fine but please don’t go
c: ur crazy lol ok byeeee
but then, after all of that, she’s going to stay back. or no now it’s yes. then no. and i thought i’d met the best mindfuckers in the business. ok now she’s going. why do i care?
they join emily/carl on a booze cruise and it is super uncomfortable to watch, not at all like the booze cruises in college, and maybe a new type of hell for me. caila, in an actually shocking turn of events, feels guilty and realizes she made a mistake in leaving jared. don’t you do this to me, lord harrison. don’t you turn my feelings on people like this. it’s not fair. she doesn’t get redemption.
—
brett, having seen how easy fun emily can be on the booze cruise, decides that he’s going to just pick up the other one. that is, until, someone called ryan arrives. i really think i need to re-evaluate my look. now everyone is doing this beard/hair thing. damn it.
despite an unsuccessful attempt by jared to offload ashley onto him, he ultimately brings haley horseback riding by a stream. ok i know these are supposed to be really romantic dates and all, the things of fantasy, but i just feel like, for a first date, why would you want to spend most of the time 20 feet apart in effectively forced prolonged awkward silence?
—
grant: so i wanted to show you how much i care about you by doing something for you but since i can’t actually do anything how about i tell the producers to pay the hotel staff to do something for you because that’s just my level of caring: to be marginally inconvenienced for a couple minutes while hunting down the right PA
lace: aww omg tots bf material it’s just what i’ve always wanted
g: also they’re going to do it to me because i’m selfless like that
l: you really know how to make me feel special (actual quote)
g: lace is the type of girl who doesn’t know how amazing she is. (also actual quote. #feminism)
i can’t believe i have to deal with both carvan and grace this is such bullshit what did i do
—
so izzy and vinny have been the D-listers since the get-go, and thus perfect for each other, but now she’s gonna piss that away for brett because the pussheart wants what it wants, i guess?
i: so since caila showed up she’s been giving me relationship advice, which is why i need to break up with you because i noticed someone else that was attractive.
v: uh
i: yeah like the literal last thing i want to do is hurt you (actual quote) except for the actual last thing i want to do which is not try to get fucked by this other guy i saw
v: like
i: no i get it trust me i feel like a real POS
v: ya cuz right
i: right but obvs i’m still gonna do it because i don’t actually?
v: no right obvs.
a
gang. i am so sorry. this week has been nuts, between some insanely cool projects at work, dates, paul mccartney concerts, pool party planning…i hardly had time to watch, so this is going to be kind of a cruise-control recap. soz not soz.
we open with evan “so sorry to interrupt” bass joining jamoshda mid-CPR practice.
stfu he’s going to read the date card to her in front of josh
i can’t believe he’s pretending this is a real date card. he has to tell her he made it himself. oh god what if she only finds out while watching right now oh god the whole build-up and then this oh god i’m actually cringing irl send help
e: “i’ve been watching you from afar” does he hear himself say these things or
j: “i want to focus on the important things in life,” like dabbing the grease off 70% of a cheese pizza because i’m g.d. six years old try blotting your face while you’re at it you complete tool that face.
the evanda holyfield discussion goes as well as you could imagine, but somehow evan appears to think her flat out ‘no’ means, ‘well, maybe?’
e: “like, i wasn’t expecting a love-fest; i was expecting maybe like, a glimmer of hope…and i think i got that.” nope.
e: “maybe not now, but in the future….there was just a spark in her eyes.”
evan, you pulled her away from making out. her basement was still flooded as she’s talking to you. that’s what that ‘eye spark’ is. also, probably the crying she did for having to be near you, which she covered up by saying you were sweet.
either way, she runs back to pizza le grease trap to tell him about the other guy hitting on you, as you do when you’ve known someone for 18ish hours. talk about playing your hand, amomda.
—
R O S E C E R E M O N Y
—
christian and daniel both try to sway sarah with their kisses, each with varying degrees of success. both were super gross, but in different ways.
brandon is confident in haley, especially after she instructs him on how to tell them apart…which he has yet to do.
her feelings about him:
meanwhile
e: “you mind if i talk to amanda one more time?”
now that a producer told evan about andi’s book, evan’s going to try out his other signature move, which is to throw someone else under the bus under the guise of protection, hoping then that he’ll be seen as the saviour.
evan, mind’s eye:
evan, to everyone else:
(this joke is presented exclusively to the narrow market of
combination bachelor + lord of the rings fans. you’re welcome.)
after hearing him out, she asks the girls what they think.
a: so, evan said he’s trouble?
all: the phrase no shit sherlock comes to mind.
a: but…hot?
all: no.
a: mmmmmmm…imma touch the fishy.
word gets back to josh and he attempts to confront evan about it, but the entire thing makes my skin crawl. it’s physically painful to listen to him speak. he is like a chromed tony robbins. he’s so bad that i’m ON EVAN’S SIDE. THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS. i can’t even recap it i hate all of it so much.
ultimately, no surprise roses follow, including the attempted nail-biter in brandon’s departure. oh, and christian. carly, however, makes the stupid mistake of giving evan a rose so that he can find someone next week. it goes exactly as well as you’d expect.
c: evan definitely knows that this is definitely a platonic rose.
e: this feels amazing! i’ve got a new lease on love, and i haven’t closed the door on carly. she may have closed the door on me, but accidentally forgot to lock it, so i can maybe sneak back in.
e: i can’t wait to tell the kids about carly!
—
oh good, caila is here. can’t wait to be annoyed af while everyone fawns over her for reasons as yet undetermined. she is really not pretty, she does not have good hair and there is WAY TOO MUCH OF IT, she is bubbly and stupid, manipulative and insane, self-absorbed and entitled…what a catch!
eventually she is into jared so they go on a date who gives a shit
this leads to jared breaking it off with emily and it’s kind of heartbreaking and pretty real and i don’t wanna talk about it YOU’RE CRYING.
—
I LOVE DANIEL.
lace, to jamoshda: do you guys breathe when you kiss?
I LOVE LACE.
related: vizzy and grace go on a double date to senor frogs because why not it’s not like they’re adults
izzy: i’ve never been to a foam party because i’m mennonite or something must be?
lace: lulz oh i’ve been to tons of foam parties in fact this specific one before when i was slutting my way through high school and also college here i’ll show you how body shots work
literally drunk lace is my life blood i can’t get enough i would marry her mean mug.
—
because they feel dejected, sarah and carly decide to have daniel and evan up to their treehouse “apartment” for a wine and drinking double date. would be super cute, and 75% is, except that carly is an idiot and evan is obviously not going to misinterpret this at all nope no way. though, sidebar, she keeps calling him her ex-bf, after having gone on ONE DATE and having kissed him literally twice, one of which made her ladybits shrivel up like so many witches socks in the wizard of oz, and the other being in front of hundreds of people with your mouth numb from peppers oh and also you threw up afterwards. so. maybe she’s just as delusional as he is?
either way, he gets “too drunk,” which to me sounds like he had THREE WHOLE GLASSES of wine because that would absolutely be the type of person he is, which shockingly leads to exactly zero health problems, despite the flurry of medics. he then parlays this into forcing carly to make out with him i can’t why is this happening i don’t understand anything about this.
—
N I G H T T W O
—
ASHLEY CRI IS BAAAAACK RIP JARED’S HAPPINESSSSSS
she spends the majority of this episode/her life trying to downplay it as if it’s zomg liek sewwww cazhual jared who lol but she is THE ACTUAL THIRSTIEST.
immediately she talks to jared, and finds out he’s nailing caila now. naila? no nevermind forget that.
my favorite part is listening to her “yeah….yeah…yeah…yeah” while people tell her things she doesn’t want to hear.
oh btw she’s given herself “three cries during paradise” and in case you were counting it was under 4 minutes before the first one so. also, they’ve resurrected the clare-talks-to-raccoons joke with ashley, but this time, it’s a parrot. wrong ashley, idiots.
a: they’re gonna make you a raccoon, you know. most self-aware thing ever i love the fourth wall break.
next she confronts caila, who apparently told her she wasn’t into jared and wasn’t coming at all, but was now, you know, definitely doing those.
a: so what happened to the whole, ‘he’s so not your type?’
c: i talked to him and he was boring enough to not confuse me and also his tongue was immediately up inside of my anus so i don’t have to work at all soz
a: i hate her. she’s a backstabbing whore of a person. oh crash i’ve missed you and your melodrama.
anyway jared is like so listen just you know go out with someone other than me i beg you, so she asks daniel on a date. on said date, he finds out she’s a virgin, so he is in.to.it. RIP sarah.
oh then jen shows up and is actually pretty but a total moron and real slutty so whatever she takes nick out and that’ll go well for him because he would fall in love with a chair at this point which means she’ll leave him in a week or two.
evan “the biggest little bitch in the world” bass tricks carly into going to the hospital with him because he slept in a weird position so now his leg hair hurts or some other pussy-ass slight inconvenience of an ailment. while there, we learn that both he used to be an EMT (sorry that’s like, basically full med school, you don’t just like eh maybe i won’t do that anymore. i bet he had his medical license revoked.)
and that carly is way more desperate than i thought. i’m for sure refusing to acknowledge that this is even happening he is such a loser and i have too much respect for her (read: my character judgment) to allow it to be an actual real life thing.
anyway ashley cries more and slips deeper into her delusions about jared despite nick flat out giving her the tough love jared should have the common decency to do or have done a million and a half years ago rather than stringing her on like this blah blah that’s really all that happens since they put off the rose ceremony until next week so see you then don’t judge me byeeeeeeee.
a
i’ve gotta be real honest. i am 0% interested in anything having to do with jamoshda, their relation to nick, etc. they keep trying to make me care, and i just real don’t. when something interesting happens with it, i’ll cover it, but other than that, let’s all pretend it’s not there. we can, however, take a moment to fluff my ego for that brills portmanteau. it’s equal parts toe-stub curse word/sneeze onomatopoeia; all disgusting. send me emails about it. use it to rile your dog up. pretend it’s the arabic name for whatever ‘meal’ you accidentally made while inexplicably fucking up shakshouka. and now i’m hungry.
daniel sits down with sarah on the connection cabana to tell her she’s attracted to him. sarah, the sweet summer flower, is like yeah ok so you’re super weird but i’m into that. i’m really liking this side of daniel, and they’re cute when they’re together, so i really hope this works out that she brings more of this out in him, all while he keeps her entertained with his supreme lunacy.
christian now enters the fray, and he liked one of my tweets (literally one of the only people to do so), so he’s cool with me. i even don’t mind that much that he brings sarah to the connection cabana reprise to employ his date card on her. more to come on that. edit: nah don’t care the date was fine that’s all.
however, the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of carly and uncle evvy. vinny has drawn the producer’s short straw and is forced to listen to evan giggle like a pubescent girl about their zomg perf date, while carly tries her best to help everyone understand how it felt to be helplessly molested by evan, in front of hundreds of people, on camera, and under the omniscient gaze of our lord [harrison]. come on, dear…how could you be uninterested in someone who brags about having a plaque for having kissed you?
regardless, she pulls him aside (to a different cabana….which now that i look at it, seems to be the one where break-ups happen. i wonder if this is where kirk broke up with her? perhaps some poetic justice on this, the cleaving cabana; the devastation daybed.) to let him down easy. she starts by thanking him for taking such good care of her last night while she was throwing up from the peppers/needing to purge her body of his dna with a swiftness (read: taking her cold packs off of her and pressing his hot body against her while she was recovering).
however, she somehow blindsides him with the news that she’s dry like dubai for his meat taste.
actual footage of evan on the way back to his room:
—
next to enter the arena is brandon or something? no one knows him. LH doesn’t even know him. the only person who has any idea of who he might be is carly, both because he might know her brother, and because she will go for literally anything with a penis other than evan right now.
as is tradition, he arrives with a date card, and pulls both carly and haley away to see which to bring. he picks haley.
call on meeeeeeeeeee, caaaarly!
fun fact: i once lost a beer pong game and had to do a strip tease for the girls to this coreography. which i knew. entirely. #college #thankgodfornocameraphones
—
i was going to make an independent section for the nick/leah date, but honest to LH, i know i’ve said people are boring before, but jorge harrison chris. this is painful. thank god the twins are there to add some entertainment, in the form of switching places during the date, which he doesn’t realize, despite saying he definitely could. i sincerely hope he doesn’t last, if only because i can’t come up with a good boredom+brandon other than brandom or bordon. borndon? boredon? they all sound like i’m having a stroke. which i might, if i have to watch more of him.
—
related: drunk emily is my favorite thing. how can we get drunk emily & drunk lace to be the new kathy lee & hoda? i mean, this is one beer emily. her drunk eyes.
e: haley is going on a date…my best friend is practically engaged, and i’m happy with a guy [jared? it’s going well?]…i’ve never been happier.
e: [to izzy] you look good. i’m not gonna lie. i’m just gonna throw that out there.
i: thanks…you did say you get super horny when you’re drunk.
h: she definitely wants to make out with amanda when she’s drunk.
e: well i’m not gonna fuck jorge!
i: can we put your hair in those braids now?
e: [crying] do you think jared likes me? i’m glad he’s not here. i don’t want him to see me like this.
<enter jared>
e: [still crying]…i didn’t mean to get like this i’m sorryyyy!
best. ever.
—
once sarah and christian come back from their date, which was fine, and before the rose ceremony, daniel brings her to the connection cabana for a little champagne and strawberry action. it’s always fun to date, but it’s always more fun to stay in; good move, daniel. also a good move: revealing this super honest, real side to him, basically opening up to her and saying he knows he’s different, but he loves that she makes him feel like that’s his best quality. ok i’m legit into this now. who knew he had this under the surface? i out loud awwed at the tv.
s: it was a great date, today, but i would be lying if i didn’t say that several times i was like, this would be so much more fun with daniel.
OUT LOUD AWWING AT MY BLOG.
s: do i give my rose to the guy that is probably a match made in heaven for me, or the guy that is a little peculiar but piques my interest and makes me laugh?
PIQUE! PECULIAR!
sidebar it makes me physically uncomfortable how most of the time, when the women talk about giving people their roses, it sounds like they’re christian high school horse lovers talking about giving away their flower after prom.
—
then, just as you were feeling all warm and fuzzy, high on hopes of super cute love…enter evan. i could have said evan enters. you’re welcome. apparently, he’s decided that “watching josh and amanda making out all day” is neither perverse, voyeuristic, or even just gross, of which it’s all of the above. particularly the lattermost.
actual footage of evan getting over carly before moving on to amanda:
seriously just watch slackers if you’re not getting these references.
can’t-hardly-wait-level worth it.
e: amanda is the one i should have gone after. nope. that is not correct.
e: she’s intimidating…i was just scared to talk to her. but evan, you’re so cool.
e: you pursue every freakin’ option. you see where that takes you. home, is the answer i’ll save you the trouble of finding for yourself. rejected, dejected, ejected. WHERE IS MY PEABODY.
also, is he wearing versace blue jeans? even the 2004 d-bags that bathed in that haven’t worn it since. no YOU wore it but sparingly I DIDN’T EVEN FINISH MY BOTTLE SHUT UP.
e: i know she’s with josh right now, but i wanna do something that’s like hey, here i am, maybe there’s something inside you that says ‘i really like this guy.’ ok the general precursor to this type of gesture is a history of attracti–y’know, i’ll lower that bar…a passing familiarity. but, also, please do this immediately i can’t wait to watch it.
e: i’m going to write a date card for amanda GUYS STFU go and give it to her and steal her away…see if there’s a chance that potentially she would be open to something with me. GANG GET OUT HE’S GOING TO GIVE THIS TO HER GET THE F OUT
e: writing down ‘evan you deserve love’ is the hardest thing i’ve done in a long time, but that was the revelation…that was the key tonight. when i decided to write [that], something flipped inside of me. it became confidence, it became strength, it became ‘evan, you’re frickin’….[chuck, wait i mean] evan bass.’ you got this.
HOW AM I EVEN ALIVE RIGHT NOW HE’S SET UP LOBSTER TAILS AND IS NOW APPROACHING THE PRESENTLY SUTURED JAMOSHDA WITH TWO GLASSES OF WHITE WINE I MIGHT BE HAVING AN ANXIETY ORGASM WATCHING THIS
L O R D H A R R I S O N Y O U B I T C H
ok. alright. i’m off to see my cardiologist, if you’ll excuse me.
a
gang. seriously. two nights a week. four hours. i did meal prep for this. i had to buy an additional wine rack. i’m just….so happy.
we pick up where we left off, basically with chad telling lord harrison to suck it. unfortunately, but expectedly, he leaves without incident, and spends the majority of his time rambling in the limo.
c: i can’t ever be the bachelor…what am i gonna do after this?! well, you’ve got “money and muscles,” so, you know…probably nothin.
c: they were all vibing me until they realized they weren’t supposed to be…vibin’ my meat taste. brb stealing that catch phrase.
c: damn it…do you know how many people i gotta kill? real talk, we’ll miss you, chad…if only for shit like that.
—
with his untimely departure, there is now an imbalance of power, and thus an additional girl must be brought in to fill the void of chad.
enter leah, or as emily puts it best:
she has had SO much work done; clearly trying to go for the kylie look…for what reason, i’m not sure. there are no WIC card carriers in paradise of which i’m aware, so i think she’s using the wrong bait here, but we’ll see. either way, to sum up, she looks like dumpster trash, and i have equally high hopes for her.
to that end, she came to meet chad. #alltherightreasons. once she’s informed he’s no longer available, she swiftly makes the rounds until deciding to ask nick on her date. amomda spends the next hour pouting about it. at least nick is realistic about it/in it for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS™.
n: just in fairness alone, i’d like to get to know leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint. ok actually maybe stealing that one too.
quick aside:
what even is this show?
resuming the action, the new and improved lace is sitting at the bar alone, lamenting to jorge about how she thinks chad messed up her chances here. eventually, after trying to get vinny to do it for her, she nuts up and goes to sleep her way to a rose with benjachin frankchin. i’m opting not to write about this any further because i plan on both liking her and keeping my food down.
—
nick and kyleah’s date is boring af, she’s classless trash, but thinks she’s got nick locked down.
l: <wave hits> my whole pussy’s soaking. hi mom!
—
btw did you know amomda is a mom? well we needed to spend several minutes of our life watching a facetime convo with them, just in case you’d somehow forgotten that this is her identity.
once she’s finished with that and ready to return to whining about nick being gone with kyleah, they return, so she can be happy again! yay! exceeeept that, because LH’s lust for suffering can never be satiated, he’s elected to bestow upon nick a date card, thereby forcing him to choose one of them. in front of the other. immediately.
of course, the move here is to pick amomda, which he does, because he’d literally just got back from having an afternoon with kyleah. yes, if it’d gone super awesome he would want to keep the night going, but since he has a connection with (and is actually interested in) amomda, and in the interest of fairness, that’s the clear choice.
also why she’s a clear choice: kyleah supposes she’ll “go home now because amanda is fire, so…oy.” 25 years old.
of course then, to try to get in amomda’s head before her date, she heads up to her room, where she proceeds to hurl various psych-outs at her.
l: i have the same bronzer, same pallate, like, stop trying to be me, amanda!
l: we look similar. we have very similar looks.
twins:
i love them. they should get a spin-off. a spin off this dick!
wait i mean ON!
flirting!
—
the nickamomda date is like watching two middle schoolers at steak ‘n shake, which isn’t concerning at all, since one of them is a full-blown mother, and the other rounds up to 40 years old.
n: you have kind of that, fire, that edge.
a: ok.
eventually they make out while leah bitches.
—
back at the house, sarah has realized that she needs to get her ass in gear if she’s supposed to stick around until next week. for inexplicable reasons, she’s decided that vinny is the easiest target, so she decides to set her sights on that. not sure this is the best plan, sweetie. it’s week one, and the girl you’re up against (literally i’ve forgotten her name) is way sluttier than you will be (thankfully), so she’s obviously going to win out with someone like vinny.
…more of note, apparently now carly and evan are going to try to be a thing. i refuse to accept this as a possibility. i mean
c: i want a man to be a man.
carly. no. NO. GOD. WHY ARE YOU KISSING HIM
evan’s summation, as he lays on his bed, gently caressing his stomach:
e: i just want to kiss her some more, and some more. it was butterflies and explosions…it was perfect.
…then, thank god…carly, i love you.
c: that kiss was so terrible. i don’t understand how this man has two children.
—
during the rose ceremony, sarah pulls vinny away to secure herself a rose, presumably so she can meet someone else in the coming weeks. he kisses her, and i feel bad for her, because this is what seems to happen to her. she seems to be actually kind of into him, since he’s being kind and sweet to her, and she can’t see beyond that, which is that he’s going to turn around and go for the trashier one, which he does, when she comes to steal him and he kisses her immediately, just after making moves on sarah.
kyleah, having not really gotten the clue so far, still feels like she needs to secure nick’s rose, so she pulls him away to sexually suggest until he commits. thankfully, he shoots her down, saying almost literally nah that’s ok, basically the idea of someone else’s two kids and their basic only-looks-to-the-table mother is more appealing than feigning it for a night with you so pass, which surprisingly doesn’t please her. or does it? i can’t tell her face won’t move.
moving on to her second choice, she basically attempts to proposition daniel, which, if she’d tried to get to know him better before this, she would have known it’d go over as well as it did.
l: i have a lot of layers.
d: oh, like an onion.
l: like an onion.
d: are you gonna make me cry, though?
l: no!
d: ok, you’re not like an onion, then.
l: i-i have layers, like an onion, but i, you, i might cry, because i’m the onion, um…
d: so you’re like an orange. with one layer.
l: …
i don’t even need to make anything up. other than we need a better psych-major than i [read: actual] to give us some kind of evaluation on why everyone daniel knows has to be a bird or produce.
—
R O S E C E R E M O N Y
—
rose matchups are as follows:
until..
<i tried very hard to find an “i love you daniel!” gif from ‘the other sister,’ but i couldn’t…since apparently it doesn’t occur in the movie. for which i found the script and looked. while watching simultaneously any occurrence of ‘love’ and ‘daniel.’ pretend it’s here. or don’t.>
d: these guys saved the best for last.
AWWWWWW. you better not break her heart, buddy.
anyway, jubes sulks her way out of my life (hopefully for good), and kyleah starts out by calling this whole thing a ‘joke’ (um duh), but eventually that mask shatters and she sobs her embarrassment out. bye byleah.
—
so now josh murray shows up, and he has a goatee.
thankfully, his forehead sweat doesn’t drip and affect the legibility of his date card, which is ultimately offered to amanda. this seems to be the drama he wants to start, since he was picked over nick during their season, but honestly i’m not privy to the whole deal since i wasn’t watching at that point, so a lot of this is lost on me.
what isn’t lost on me, however, is that his goatee is not only on his face, but on his personality. he speaks like every slime bucket athlete/business owner/salesman with imbalanced levels of self-confidence, perspective, and humility. yes he’s good looking, but i can’t understand anybody falling for him as a person, unless you’re really just that shallow, or have that little self-worth to keep everything surface level, refusing to look inside yourself or that other person any further than that.
actual photo of his self-presentation to paradise:
anyway, they continue on this date, which i didn’t pay attention to, and all anybody could talk about was the conflict between him and nick, etc. my guess is that this will be the cliffhanger for this week, but until it gets a lot more interesting, i’m over it.
—
what i am NOT over, to i’m sure everyone’s surprise, is the evan and carly thing. normally, i’d be completely grossed out and judgmental, except that she’s so adamant about how little she enjoys anything about him anymore, so everything that happens between them just endears her more to me.
c: my brothers told me to stop dating men that are effeminate. my first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend…….and here we are again.
c: EVAN GIVES ME ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. OMG MARRY ME.
once again, continuing his harvest and leaving no soul to fallow, lord harrison grants uncle evan a date card so that we might bear witness to the hilariousness of her suffering, amen.
e: i am so excited!
c: i’ve never not wanted to go on a date more in my life.
c: i’m not feeling any tingles, i’m not feeling any anything. i hate everything that’s happening here right now. (as hilarious as this is, i’m really hoping no one has ever thought these things about me.)
of course, you’d think that’d be enough. make her get his hopes up by going on a date with him, but ultimately getting the privacy to discuss how she’s just not feeling it.
oh you sweet summer child. that’s not how this works.
instead, you’ll be kissing evan, in front of an audience, and after eating a habanero pepper, for a minimum of 90 seconds, in order to set a world record…but actually exclusively for our enjoyment. i love when he asks her “so should we change or something?” and he goes to get ready, and she literally leaves everything exactly the same as she had it.
e: she’s amazing. i’m so excited about this.
c: i’m not excited about this right now. no part of me is excited; every part of me is unexcited.
c: WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE FUCKED UP SHITTY DATES
guys i can’t.
LH’s face. her hand. his hand. the judge. his gall. i just can’t.
c: i think i’d rather be broken up with again than do this.
e: my mouth is on fire, and i’m not sure if it’s more from the pepper or carly.
c: just to set the record straight, i threw up not just from the pepper. from the kiss.
i could make an entire post that was just gifs of her reactions to everything. glorious television.
—
basically the only things that happen afterwards are jared continuing to be oblivious to any hint or signal (which legit might be his whole game, but if so, it’s way too convincing), and then josh comes back and is exactly everything i thought he’d be, on top of which, i have to pile on additional resentment for forcing me to take sympathy for nick. it is NOT ok.
stay tuned for tonight where hopefully there is either more cool ethan (see reference below) assaulting carly or she confronts him or anything omg i love this please never end.
a
holy f-ing s, i love paradise so much. gang i can’t even tell you how excited i was, am, and will be. 03 paradise is the greatest of lord harrison’s creations, yea, and blessed are we to behold its light. 04 and lo, did he send his only begotten son jorge to absolve us of our sobriety, so that we might be pure in his sight, amen.
after skipping the opening previews, since i like the surprise, we go right to the intros, and i just…i love life so much.
WHAT PRODUCER CONVINCED HIM TO DO THIS GIVE THEM A MEDAL
LITERAL PERFECTION
SARAH HONEY I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THIS JUST BLESS
YESSSS REIGN YOU DEMIGODS
as is tradition, we’re treated to a few opening spotlights:
the twins: still look cute, are referred to as simply ‘the twins’ in the opening credits, will no doubt be a source of entertainment. also related, as i polish this write-up, my SEO must be doing something right, as i now have the following as part of my stats page. super classy all around.
nick: could be the poster boy for functional depression. by the time he musters out “i’m 35,” i already feel bad for him. yes…i feel bad for nick. he’s somehow not capitalizing on the only thing men have going for them in getting better looking with age. he follows up his age declaration with admitting to being the “back-to-back runner up,” complete with reflective montage. he hasn’t updated his style to be a bit more age-appropriate (read: still wearing that leather jacket…then again, who on this show isn’t?). as i say, seems to be more humbled, so we’ll see what happens.
jubilee: ugh.
evan: ugh.
alright, fine.
jubilee: if there’s anything worse than someone who sucks, it’s someone who is out to prove they don’t anymore. she claims to have a new attitude; won’t.
evan: makes it a whole 15 words before bringing up chad in an introduction to himself. is totally gay; is now just-for-men-ing his goatee.
chad: what can even be said? he’s just the best. they’re giving him a re-branding edit, so we’ll see what happens there, but my guess is:
lace: oh my god i love lace so much the fake self improvement the giving up on yoga i can’t even with this recap i just <3. except the extensions. could real do without those.
daniel: clearly is going for the comedian this season. looks totally preposterous. didn’t think men wore his denim shirt. i’ll probably like him here. two and a half stars.
amomda is back. super obvious in her thirst for a dad for her kids. please let her settle for evan because he’s already a dad and let us watch the hope drain from her eyes.
speaking of, she’s the first to arrive, followed quickly by nick, jubes, and evan. so far, this is a tremendous description of like, my nightmare of a party.
amanda, on evan: he’s pretty gross, but…he’s already a dad, so, jackpot.
evan, on amanda: “she like, melts my frickin’ heart with her frickin’ cuteness, i can’t even deal.” i didn’t feel the need to comment on that further than simply presenting it to you verbatim.
next to arrive is vinny, who clearly is living out his regret for not being cast on the jersey shore. i’m hoping he just flies under the radar and is whatever, but i’m not holding out high hopes.
CARLY. so. excited. obviously i’ve said it before, but actually now that i’m thinking about it i don’t believe i ever have to this blog. i absolutely adored her on chris’ season; she was bae before la(c)e. people love to hate on her for some reason, but i think she’s very cute, a great mix of cheesy and wit to her sense of humor, and most importantly, is super real with herself and others, and loves to call it like it is. i hated seeing her go for someone like kirk, since you could see the writing on the wall from the get-go with that one, so if anyone’s deserving enough to find love in paradise, it’s her. “we’re gonna test drive some cars here. that’s what we’re gonna do.” too done-up, but i’m into it.
oh god, CHINDRICK LAMAR is here. he looks disgusting, has the charm to match, and i don’t believe has yet heard of leg day, let alone is acquainted enough to rock the 5″ hem.
adoniel shows up in jean shorts and belittles everyone in his signature ‘maybe actually too stupid to functionally understand what he’s saying’ manner, so he’s off to a great start.
OMG SARAH. aww i love her. everything i said about carly applies to her, as well. my heart broke for her on season one; she’s such a sweetheart, with nothing but love to give, so i hope she and carly team up and both get their sunshine…or don’t but get at me, nahmsayin? YOU’RE THE SOFTIE SHUT UP. also LH you’re walking an awfully fine line with your ‘glib’ little “fingers crossed” quips with regards to her finding love. i am a god fearin’ man, but i got my eye on you, buster.
i am so conflicted with my feelings on daniel. he’s a genuine shithead, because i do believe he believes the things he says, but he says them in such a way that it’s like…i mean he’s trying to be funny, which isn’t funny, but then he’s like too dumb to follow his own jokes, which then makes them funny?
either way, he’s into the twins, so that’ll be super fun to watch that develop into a shitshow.
next to arrive is…izzy? idk she’s really gross and annoying and she and vinny can just go get together and be the sixes no one gives a shit about kbye
lace arrives and i love her that’s all.
already jubilee is being ultra annoying, playing this reclusive game in the corner, waiting only for someone who turns out to be jared. new you, huh?
anyway, jared is basically like so can i do paradise again without a wife/stalker? lol joke’s on you bro you got one waiting for you alreadyyyy.
finally, it’s time for chad’s arrival, much to evan’s insatiable lust. chad remarks that he “doesn’t need money; doesn’t need fame.” off to a great start with this rebranding. he does, however, apologize to evan and try to bury the hatchet, so at least he’s trying to clean slate this piece.
evan, outside: “mm i don’t know he’s probably being fake” pretend i’m doing that in a nasally whiney mocking tone.
evan, inside:
carly: daniel and chad are the first couple to hit it off in paradise.
—
jubes gets the first date card, and is immediately all over jared. he is reluctant, but goes. to be honest, they go on a date later, and i tried to take notes, but it’s so uninteresting so that’ll be the entirety of my recap on that portion of this episode.
—
lace and chinning tatum start to spend some time together, and thankfully she’s already scolding him for being a fuckboy because my entire reaction to that scenario is
she quickly moves from grant to chad, which you’d think would be exactly the same as above, but i ship it…since it’d obviously last for almost no time at all, and will be hilarious for me to watch.
anyway, we all watched what happens…they play fight, which turns into real fight, all punctuated by very sincere attempts to make out that just look like they would hurt more than they’d be enjoyable. you know the kind…tight lips and teeth just kind of mashing. surprisingly, it takes him way longer to make a move than you’d expect from someone like him. throughout the evening, they continue to push and hit and grind on each other, and honestly none of this is sexual at all. this is all about competition, with one trying to best the other, and the messing around is just a tool they’re using.
it doesn’t help that he’s also truly a huge d-bag at heart, so his blackout (read: honest) jokes aren’t even funny.
c: only two things matter: women and money.
l: money doesn’t make you cool. (preach)
c: tell that to my lamborghini!
the odds of you owning a lamborghini are actually the same as the percentage of people who give a shit.
c: go find my sunglasses…those are like 200$ sunglasses.
a. never own something you can’t afford to replace, and b. that is not even close to a lot of money for sunglasses. see above lambo comment.
sidebar: i feel like abc’s just gotta make peace with bikinis. like yes, if your actual labia is hanging out, or you’ve got a bit of a nip slip, by all means, he typed begrudgingly. but blurring out every single butt cheek on a beach is out of control.
c, to l: i will throw you under a bus…duct…tie…and make sure you smell like peppermint.
…ok real talk i need some context here because she gets very upset by this, and i’m really not sure that someone could make enough sense of it to be offended. regardless, how is nick my comedic relief right now? oh god do i have to like nick now?
the real issue, however, is when lace realizes that chad doesn’t know when to call it. with the game lace is playing, chad, you need to push back playfully until she gets to a point, then you get serious for a hot second, she knows her boundaries, and then that’s where you live. the issue is that chad doesn’t know how to playfully submit, nor does he know how to set her boundary with him, since he doesn’t set his own boundaries for himself.
this then, combined with the king-of-the-mountain style of flirt competition they’re playing, turns into him not knowing that she has boundaries, and that’s when the breakdown starts.
as lace puts it, “he’s just not a nice person. everyone else is so nice and genuous.”
chad’s rebuttal: “i will murder everyone here, and build them into a bottle.” ok i actually do very love him though.
adoniel takes the reigns of trying to break it down with chad just so that he’ll either calm down or take himself to bed, as we’ve all done at one point before with one of our idiot friends, but chad doesn’t take the hint. which seems to be a major theme in chad’s life. you can be an ass but still be a good person and likable and someone people want to be around. the difference between being an ass and an asshole is your ego, and knowing when to check it. sarah, bless her heart, has had enough, and decides to level with him…which does not go well. she calls him disrespectful, and he responds with a comment about her arm (the lowest of all blows), followed by telling her to “keep sucking that fame dick,” at which point i want to hit that g.d. sasquatch.
…but then kiss him, because then he tells daniel, “hey, let’s get murdered…but like, together. dude. you’re being so un-murdery right now.” why do you make me feel such extremes, chad?
thankfully, he just passes out on the beach
and shits his pants.
yep.
the next morning, chad doesn’t really remember what happened, but either way, it’s not looking good for him, since everyone else does.
most importantly, i need everyone to know that my life will be incomplete until i say, or have said unto me from on high by lord harrison, “come up into the rose palapa.”
within said rose palapa, papa bear shows some fang:
and with that, he is asked to leave paradise. needless to say, the chadbear doesn’t take it well.
for the most part, he thinks he can talk his way out of it by saying it was all a joke, etc…but ultimately, he vacates the rose palapa and throws a tantrum at lord harrison while he tries to walk him out with a bit of dignity.
c, to ch: you didn’t even watch [me insulting everyone], you went to sleep last night with a mimosa and a robe on. what are they gonna do, show you watching the show from your hotel room a thousand miles away?
then, things start to get a little real, and a little sad.
c, to ch: no, you’re not gonna do this to me…make me look like a bitch and present me as such when i’m making jokes and having fun…i’ve got nothing! i’ve got nothing in my life…you think this is all fun and games? this is my life. and you’re going to sit here and try to make me look like a bitch? fuck you, chris harrison.
…see you next week AND EVERY MONDAY AND TUESDAY WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE YOU CHRIS HARRISON OMFG when josh shows up. who else died when they heard “WHOSE WOMAN WILL HE STEAL,” called like some old-timey circus crier?
i’m hoping all, is the answer to both of those questions.
a
welp. i was wrong.
though, i’m not totally sure i was.
ok so full disclosure up front: my viewing party last night got a little weird and i didn’t end up taking any notes whatsoever, so for the most part (read: entirely) i am doing this from memory, and it’s basically just going to be whatever i remember yelling at the tv. that IS actually different from normal you shut your mouth. your…head…mouth? thoughts. just shh.
so the guys start out meeting her family, and the major takeaways include:
also, as a quick aside, while googling ‘dennis rader’ pictures for the above joke (you see the search-history-lists i’m willing to put myself on for you people?), i came across this picture of jojo, pre-hair/botox/eyebrows/tan/boobs/etc.
albeit a teeny-tiny-young’n, but a stunner! just goes to show, ladies…stick with what you’ve got. i know we all grow up (lord knows i don’t look a thing like my high school pictures), but i mean come on.
anyway, basically the only thing of any interest to come from the parents meetings, which was the entire focus of the drama in the episode, was that robby directly asked for their blessing in his eventual proposal, and jordan did not.
now, this goes back to how i’m going to tell myself i wasn’t entirely off the mark: i think this was a calculated move by jordan. jojo, after learning this, focused in on the fact that they explicitly talked about this together, and about how on the same page they were with regards to its importance. for him to totally leave it out is absolutely deliberate, which is something he tries to explain his way out of later when they get together, pretty much by just throwing things out there and seeing what sticks…as his his wont. which is why she never trusted him from the start.
i think basically he was doing this as a safety net. he had plans to tell her in that note later on so that her parents could first tell her that he didn’t ask, all to get a seed of doubt in her head. then, once he told her in that note, he could say, “i eventually asked,” if ever confronted about it. it eliminates him of any fault in the process, and lets him come out smelling like roses whether she picks him or not, which of the two he’d prefer the later. if not, he still looks like he checked every box on his way out, so no one can hold things against him when his bachelor bid is submitted, and he can play the “it was her choice; i’m ready to find love” attitude.
either way, as we all know, it worked, since they’re both only in it for themselves the fame, and in a total life-imitates-art bit of poetry, robby gets the boot. of course, i wasn’t entirely sold on robby, as i think i made pretty clear…but he certainly i think wanted to be there for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS™. his break-up was pretty heartbreaking, and jojo continued to be as selfish as she’s always been, in letting him know that “[she] wanted it to be [him],” but you know, TFB. “i did fall in love with you,” but obvs that doesn’t matter lol. “i never wanted to hurt you,” but that’s not gonna stop me either and also i’m gonna be engaged to someone else here in like an hour, so.
regarding the happy couple’s proposal:
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A F T E R T H E R O S E
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robby’s caps were somehow even more distracting than his matching tiebar.com accessories set, so i didn’t pay much attention to anything he was saying, as i was just wishing and praying that he’d do an accidental teeth whistle on live television.
i had a physical reaction to her response to his stupid, stupid “so you said you loved me but picked someone else…why?” line of questioning. doubled over cringing, i managed to ventriloquize a sympathetic “i immediately regret this decision” for him, before excusing myself from the room to fill my not-even-empty wine glass way too full in distraction.
then, to wrap things up nicely, just before his completely bs ‘i just want you to be happy’ martyr response to everything she said, she throws in a nice little “[when i told you i loved you] i just wanted to let you know how much you changed me for the better,” you know, better for someone else, just as the cherry centered selflessly right on top of their cake of a relationship.
—
i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone less in actual love than jordan. also, their legs were crossed away from each other, in case anybody was paying attention. the entirety of his interview was just him once again throwing out seemingly-loving cliches to see what everyone liked best. he is, at heart, a “success in numbers” man, after all; it’s just the rodgers family way.
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ch: so, when’s the wedding date?
jordan: 
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ch: so you’re moving to dallas?
jordan: yeah i was able to find a vacant ‘former nfl quarterback’ position right in mckinney; supes convenient.
jojo: i love that he can fit everything a late 20’s, established, husband-material man should have into a couple suitcases, which he’s brought with him to LA, except for his bed.
—
chad: 
—
you’re not going to make me recap ben and lauren’s show, are you?
related: god. bless. paradise. i am so fucking pumped. see y’all tomorrow, with bells on.
a
i’ll tell you what, gang: watching this on DVR is the best thing ever. by the time i skipped through the whole recap, paradise preview, etc, i was already 15 minutes down. i know i want it to be paradise already too, but i also want to be surprised, so i’m trying not to watch it. sorry that one of the only interesting things about this recap isn’t going to be there.
we start out by ripping on alex, which i have to say i just adore. basically they call him out for being a manipulative angry little man, and it’s luke (somehow) to have the level head and say look, you’re taught as a soldier to be a fighter, but as you get older, you grow out of it. ok, so sadly, he didn’t actually say ‘grow out of it,’ which would have been my absolute favorite thing ever, but it was the same sentiment, just said less hilariously and dually-insulting.
they also call him out for seeking out drama, which is what i’d been saying all along, as well. everyone’s [in this case, alex’s] focus was on chad, and once he was gone, alex just looked for his next fight, rather than focusing on jojo.
god bless daniel for saying, “everyone’s said every one of these guys is an insecure little bitch…all they did was complain about chad, or talk about how much they love jojo after spending 5 minutes with her.” GOLD STAR, CANUCK.
to defend against that statement, evan responds…again, directly after just being called insecure for only talking about chad…by saying well chad took steroids. derek says yeah i felt threatened. GUYS. PERSPECTIVE. you are proving this point in everything you do. he’s not even out there, and it’s been months since you’ve been on the show, and it’s still all you can talk about.
producers…how did you not revive the clare-talks-to-raccoons joke with chad and the lunch meat? such a missed opportunity here.
—
chad gets his own entrance, of course, which i’m sure didn’t help his ego whatsoever. he gets to sit down first, and out of the gate, i fall for him. say what you want about him, but he spits the truth, whether you like it or not. he calls out people for just wanting publicity, he calls them out for being obsessed with him, he spits back with personal dirt when they try to attack him…my love for the show is revitalized.
he gets a little taste of his own medicine by being confronted about ‘dating’ (i love how innocent they try to make things sound for the show) both robby’s and grant’s (who he can’t even remember his name, which is just amazing) exes after confirming with them that they were dumped for the show. it’s hard to defend against such a petty and frankly pretty gross action, but at the same time, if you want to be treated well, treat well. also, date honorable women, who won’t go and do the same to you. it takes two, women-in-the-audience-booing-him.
nick (i think?) stands up, after not being involved in the conversation at all (read: at the behest of a producer), takes off his jacket and lightly threatens to fight chad….on camera? the two best things to come from it are chad calling him out for just wanting air time, and daniel’s comment: “what is it with america and having to resort to violence?” two for two, you hoser. who could have seen that coming?
chad: “if you get scared by words…welcome to the real world, you’re gonna have to grow up.”
CHADBEAR 2016. VOTE CAST.
i’m sorry, the more this goes on, the more i am a fan. when asked about his 2:1, he said, “i got a pretty good read on that in the first 10 minutes. when you realize that she’s like, well, if chad’s the bad guy, i can’t be seen as the girl who keeps bad guys around, so.’ like, what do you do?” i mean, real talk, she wasn’t going to end up with you, because you’re an unsympathetic prick, but at least he’s 100% correct in calling her out for being out for public image and sees her selfishness.
the next person tied to the tracks to be railed by chad’s honesty train is jordan, who he calls out for being fake on the show, wanting to only get in media, and confirming what everyone else (including his ex) have said about him, in that all he wants is to be famous. starting to make a little more sense why aaron isn’t involved, and why he’s as aloof as he is with his love for jojo.
alright, i’ll tell you my theory. i hate being wrong, so i’ve avoided saying this on record for months now since i’d look a fool if it was untrue, but here goes: i think jordan is next bachelor. i think he was approached by producers, who knew of his desire for fame and his connection to aaron, who told him we want you to be the next bachelor. however, in order to do that, you need to be on the show, so we’ll cast you here and you can court jojo. what they weren’t telling him is that they needed him. it was all confirmed last year that caila was going to be the bachelorette…that is…until they saw america’s love for jojo. knowing caila was going to be a boring season, and having a built-in viewership affection for jojo, they made the last minute call to jojo, who for sure did get back with her ex chad as soon as she went back to dallas, to get her to be bachelorette…but they needed incentive. enter jordan: a loose connection (what did jojo say, back on their 1:1 date…something about him being friends with her cousin or something?), who is a super-attractive NFL player (we’ll ignore that last word there), famous family, etc, who can very easily be slipped jojo’s number/twitter and introduce himself, saying he hopes to see her on the show. she’s successfully honey potted, and he’s got himself two seasons of camera time to set up, if not his media career, at least his appearance fee lifestyle while he builds his personal brand. and there you have it: andrew’s tin-foil bachelor theory. YOU get a life.
…now, all of that being said, i think luke’s a wildcard and could very likely sweep in and mess that whole plan up, since he decided to play all brooding cowboy, particularly with his exit, and america eats that shit up. we shall see.
—
next up is his relationsip with evan, wherein chad sticks to his story that he isn’t sure what the problem was, other than that he just wanted evan to leave him alone, and he wouldn’t. then they break out the zapruder films to break down exactly what happened on the eve of the infamous shirt rip, resulting in everyone, including the audience, clearly seeing what i’d said all along; that he was trying to push him…or at least cause chad to lose his balance. evan doesn’t defend himself.
ultimately, after several more examples, wells decides to man up and say look, we did villianize you (which is kind of him), but america loves a redemption story, so you get to ‘change your perception of people’ [sic] by going on paradise (which is very backhanded of him, since he knows he’ll crash and burn on that).
—
sadly, this concludes the chad interview. silver lining: now it’s gonna be luke, so i’ll have basically nothing to say.
his whole interview was trite and really obvious that they’re trying to push him on america, so the above theory seems to have gone out the window. no big announcement yet, but i won’t be surprised.
—
chase was next, but nothing happened. shocker.
—
jojo comes out and launches into her five love languages “words of affirmation” bs with luke, and he’s like so as long as you’re happy that’s all that matters to me, which is such crap, but whatever.
then chase decides to thank her, too…so all of these guys are saying what they know is the right thing.
i fast forwarded through james and maybe someone else.
next comes chad, who says he wishes her luck…especially since robby broke up with his girlfriend ‘days before filming,’ and that jordan is a liar/cheater whose older brother won’t even talk to him. i ❤ chadbear. she has no response, other than that she could “go off right now,” but he “isn’t worth her breath.” BORING. it’s a tv show, jojo. entertain us. the guys give her a standing ovation for it, since they’re the lamest bunch of wieners ever assembled, and she remarks that she misses all of them, and how much fun she had with them…”like, on the group dates!” #selfless
there were more questions but i was so bored at this point that i just skipped through. i watched vinny’s mom, but other than that, i’m sure nothing happened.
well, since pokemon is so popular (you hear that, all my middle school crushes?), i’ll leave y’all with this.
a
ALL THE RIGHT REASONS 