gang. seriously. two nights a week. four hours. i did meal prep for this. i had to buy an additional wine rack. i’m just….so happy.
we pick up where we left off, basically with chad telling lord harrison to suck it. unfortunately, but expectedly, he leaves without incident, and spends the majority of his time rambling in the limo.
c: i can’t ever be the bachelor…what am i gonna do after this?! well, you’ve got “money and muscles,” so, you know…probably nothin.
c: they were all vibing me until they realized they weren’t supposed to be…vibin’ my meat taste. brb stealing that catch phrase.
c: damn it…do you know how many people i gotta kill? real talk, we’ll miss you, chad…if only for shit like that.
with his untimely departure, there is now an imbalance of power, and thus an additional girl must be brought in to fill the void of chad.
enter leah, or as emily puts it best:
she has had SO much work done; clearly trying to go for the kylie look…for what reason, i’m not sure. there are no WIC card carriers in paradise of which i’m aware, so i think she’s using the wrong bait here, but we’ll see. either way, to sum up, she looks like dumpster trash, and i have equally high hopes for her.
to that end, she came to meet chad. #alltherightreasons. once she’s informed he’s no longer available, she swiftly makes the rounds until deciding to ask nick on her date. amomda spends the next hour pouting about it. at least nick is realistic about it/in it for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS™.
n: just in fairness alone, i’d like to get to know leah from a sexual chemistry standpoint. ok actually maybe stealing that one too.
what even is this show?
resuming the action, the new and improved lace is sitting at the bar alone, lamenting to jorge about how she thinks chad messed up her chances here. eventually, after trying to get vinny to do it for her, she nuts up and goes to sleep her way to a rose with benjachin frankchin. i’m opting not to write about this any further because i plan on both liking her and keeping my food down.
nick and kyleah’s date is boring af, she’s classless trash, but thinks she’s got nick locked down.
l: <wave hits> my whole pussy’s soaking. hi mom!
btw did you know amomda is a mom? well we needed to spend several minutes of our life watching a facetime convo with them, just in case you’d somehow forgotten that this is her identity.
once she’s finished with that and ready to return to whining about nick being gone with kyleah, they return, so she can be happy again! yay! exceeeept that, because LH’s lust for suffering can never be satiated, he’s elected to bestow upon nick a date card, thereby forcing him to choose one of them. in front of the other. immediately.
of course, the move here is to pick amomda, which he does, because he’d literally just got back from having an afternoon with kyleah. yes, if it’d gone super awesome he would want to keep the night going, but since he has a connection with (and is actually interested in) amomda, and in the interest of fairness, that’s the clear choice.
also why she’s a clear choice: kyleah supposes she’ll “go home now because amanda is fire, so…oy.” 25 years old.
of course then, to try to get in amomda’s head before her date, she heads up to her room, where she proceeds to hurl various psych-outs at her.
l: i have the same bronzer, same pallate, like, stop trying to be me, amanda!
l: we look similar. we have very similar looks.
i love them. they should get a spin-off. a spin off this dick!
wait i mean ON!
the nickamomda date is like watching two middle schoolers at steak ‘n shake, which isn’t concerning at all, since one of them is a full-blown mother, and the other rounds up to 40 years old.
n: you have kind of that, fire, that edge.
eventually they make out while leah bitches.
back at the house, sarah has realized that she needs to get her ass in gear if she’s supposed to stick around until next week. for inexplicable reasons, she’s decided that vinny is the easiest target, so she decides to set her sights on that. not sure this is the best plan, sweetie. it’s week one, and the girl you’re up against (literally i’ve forgotten her name) is way sluttier than you will be (thankfully), so she’s obviously going to win out with someone like vinny.
…more of note, apparently now carly and evan are going to try to be a thing. i refuse to accept this as a possibility. i mean
c: i want a man to be a man.
carly. no. NO. GOD. WHY ARE YOU KISSING HIM
evan’s summation, as he lays on his bed, gently caressing his stomach:
e: i just want to kiss her some more, and some more. it was butterflies and explosions…it was perfect.
…then, thank god…carly, i love you.
c: that kiss was so terrible. i don’t understand how this man has two children.
during the rose ceremony, sarah pulls vinny away to secure herself a rose, presumably so she can meet someone else in the coming weeks. he kisses her, and i feel bad for her, because this is what seems to happen to her. she seems to be actually kind of into him, since he’s being kind and sweet to her, and she can’t see beyond that, which is that he’s going to turn around and go for the trashier one, which he does, when she comes to steal him and he kisses her immediately, just after making moves on sarah.
kyleah, having not really gotten the clue so far, still feels like she needs to secure nick’s rose, so she pulls him away to sexually suggest until he commits. thankfully, he shoots her down, saying almost literally nah that’s ok, basically the idea of someone else’s two kids and their basic only-looks-to-the-table mother is more appealing than feigning it for a night with you so pass, which surprisingly doesn’t please her. or does it? i can’t tell her face won’t move.
moving on to her second choice, she basically attempts to proposition daniel, which, if she’d tried to get to know him better before this, she would have known it’d go over as well as it did.
l: i have a lot of layers.
d: oh, like an onion.
l: like an onion.
d: are you gonna make me cry, though?
d: ok, you’re not like an onion, then.
l: i-i have layers, like an onion, but i, you, i might cry, because i’m the onion, um…
d: so you’re like an orange. with one layer.
i don’t even need to make anything up. other than we need a better psych-major than i [read: actual] to give us some kind of evaluation on why everyone daniel knows has to be a bird or produce.
R O S E C E R E M O N Y
rose matchups are as follows:
- lace/jackie chin
- evan/carly (he says “i just want to know if you’ll accept this rose and see what happens from here.” barf.)
- jared/EMILY +1 (LATERS JUBES)
- vinny/izzy (poor sarah…)
<i tried very hard to find an “i love you daniel!” gif from ‘the other sister,’ but i couldn’t…since apparently it doesn’t occur in the movie. for which i found the script and looked. while watching simultaneously any occurrence of ‘love’ and ‘daniel.’ pretend it’s here. or don’t.>
d: these guys saved the best for last.
AWWWWWW. you better not break her heart, buddy.
anyway, jubes sulks her way out of my life (hopefully for good), and kyleah starts out by calling this whole thing a ‘joke’ (um duh), but eventually that mask shatters and she sobs her embarrassment out. bye byleah.
so now josh murray shows up, and he has a goatee.
thankfully, his forehead sweat doesn’t drip and affect the legibility of his date card, which is ultimately offered to amanda. this seems to be the drama he wants to start, since he was picked over nick during their season, but honestly i’m not privy to the whole deal since i wasn’t watching at that point, so a lot of this is lost on me.
what isn’t lost on me, however, is that his goatee is not only on his face, but on his personality. he speaks like every slime bucket athlete/business owner/salesman with imbalanced levels of self-confidence, perspective, and humility. yes he’s good looking, but i can’t understand anybody falling for him as a person, unless you’re really just that shallow, or have that little self-worth to keep everything surface level, refusing to look inside yourself or that other person any further than that.
actual photo of his self-presentation to paradise:
anyway, they continue on this date, which i didn’t pay attention to, and all anybody could talk about was the conflict between him and nick, etc. my guess is that this will be the cliffhanger for this week, but until it gets a lot more interesting, i’m over it.
what i am NOT over, to i’m sure everyone’s surprise, is the evan and carly thing. normally, i’d be completely grossed out and judgmental, except that she’s so adamant about how little she enjoys anything about him anymore, so everything that happens between them just endears her more to me.
c: my brothers told me to stop dating men that are effeminate. my first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend…….and here we are again.
c: EVAN GIVES ME ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION. OMG MARRY ME.
once again, continuing his harvest and leaving no soul to fallow, lord harrison grants uncle evan a date card so that we might bear witness to the hilariousness of her suffering, amen.
e: i am so excited!
c: i’ve never not wanted to go on a date more in my life.
c: i’m not feeling any tingles, i’m not feeling any anything. i hate everything that’s happening here right now. (as hilarious as this is, i’m really hoping no one has ever thought these things about me.)
of course, you’d think that’d be enough. make her get his hopes up by going on a date with him, but ultimately getting the privacy to discuss how she’s just not feeling it.
oh you sweet summer child. that’s not how this works.
instead, you’ll be kissing evan, in front of an audience, and after eating a habanero pepper, for a minimum of 90 seconds, in order to set a world record…but actually exclusively for our enjoyment. i love when he asks her “so should we change or something?” and he goes to get ready, and she literally leaves everything exactly the same as she had it.
e: she’s amazing. i’m so excited about this.
c: i’m not excited about this right now. no part of me is excited; every part of me is unexcited.
c: WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE FUCKED UP SHITTY DATES
guys i can’t.
LH’s face. her hand. his hand. the judge. his gall. i just can’t.
c: i think i’d rather be broken up with again than do this.
e: my mouth is on fire, and i’m not sure if it’s more from the pepper or carly.
c: just to set the record straight, i threw up not just from the pepper. from the kiss.
i could make an entire post that was just gifs of her reactions to everything. glorious television.
basically the only things that happen afterwards are jared continuing to be oblivious to any hint or signal (which legit might be his whole game, but if so, it’s way too convincing), and then josh comes back and is exactly everything i thought he’d be, on top of which, i have to pile on additional resentment for forcing me to take sympathy for nick. it is NOT ok.
stay tuned for tonight where hopefully there is either more cool ethan (see reference below) assaulting carly or she confronts him or anything omg i love this please never end.